By Tonia
A few weeks ago
I received a Groupon for a boudoir photo shoot. Always ready to try something
new, I thought, “What the f*^k, I’ll do it!” Prior to my shoot, I sat in front
of the mirror trying to figure out how to look sexy without looking like I was trying to look sexy. I mostly looked
like an idiot with slobbery, quivering horse lips.
Then I ran
across an article that said I should walk around naked for a few days prior to
the shoot - you know, to get comfortable. While my peeping-tom neighbors would
have loved that, it’s currently the dead of winter, we’re having record low temperatures
and I doubt that hypothermia makes my boobs look any perkier. Plus, when I walk
around naked I stick to my leather chairs and can’t fry bacon.
On the day of
the shoot the photographer
offered me a glass of Champagne to help me loosen up. I asked for the whole
bottle but that wasn’t included with my Groupon. Guess that comes with a more
expensive package.
I chose a bed
as my “setting” and let the photographer have her way with me. And, let me tell
you, I have a new appreciation for models and porn stars. Those sexy little poses are thigh-burning,
back-breaking, arm-crippling contortions from the pits of seduction hell. Only
my Brazilian wax and childbirth were more painful.
In addition to all
the damn body contortions, in order to look sexy, I also had to…..
…..Inhale through my nose and exhale through
my mouth - I kept waiting for the stethoscope to appear.
…..Open and close my eyes over and over – Like
a night of insomnia on fast-forward
…..Twist/play in the sheets – Result of
which was getting trapped in a knotted, tangled mass of bedding that took the
photographer AND her assistant to get me loose from.
…..Rub my hair with both my hands, turning
my head ever so slightly – but, let me tell you, when I looked at those proofs,
it just looked like I was covering my ears from some kind of hideous noise.
Sexpot fail.
But I DID have
fun and there were a few shots that actually did make me look pretty good. I
would certainly recommend it as a girlfriends’ get together and outing!So now the big question is: what am I going to do with these damn photos? I thought about making them into a coffee table book but I’m pretty sure my daughter would never let the grandkids come over again. I guess I’ll simply put them away with my
important
documents so my kids will find them when I’m gone…..
