Adventures in Speed Dating

Estrofests is excited to host guest blogger, Amanda Peevy.  Amanda is a fun-loving, girlfriend-committed, positive thinker! She was willing to share her story of speed dating - for which we are grateful for the laughs! You can't make up this shit!

Many of my crazy stories begin with me having a “great idea.” My best girlfriends have learned to scream and run for the hills when they hear me say that. Smart cookies they are! This story starts with my great idea to get a good friend back into the dating game by signing us up for speed dating. Sounds fun, right?! No… Speed dating draws in the strangest and most alarming specimens in the dating pool. I’m pretty sure it’s some lower dimension of hell and I may have given my friend a new dating phobia (apparently called Malaxophobia. Funny how that sounds strangely similar to the common heartburn medicine, Maalox. Hmmm…)

So, my friend and I arrive and meet several other fun, fearless females at the bar of a nice Tulsa restaurant. The shindig is already running late and is very poorly organized, but most of us decide to stick it out. We take our nametags and our seats and five guys are supposed to rotate around our tables and wow us with personality and charm in six minutes. Doesn’t sound long, but believe me, six minutes felt like an eternity. Here’s the list of characters we met in Speed Dating Hell…

Speedy Date #1: “Van guy with anger issues” sat at my table and I instantly knew my one Long Island Iced Tea was just not going to cut it. He immediately informed me of his ongoing issues with anger - something he has been dealing with since childhood. He also has not worked in over four years. Why, you ask? Oh, he’s just living off of his real estate investments. Which is pretty funny since the next thing he told me was that he lives in his van. “Too bad you don’t invest in some real estate for your own personal use,” I say. Silly me! He doesn’t want to be tied down and the van is perfect for remaining “free.” Next please!

Speed Date #2: “B is for Boring” - I can only think to call him that because the conversation was so boring that we talked about his name for five of the six minutes and I can’t even remember the damn thing! I’m sure my brain began blocking information for self-preservation. Oh yeah, this was also the point in which the bartender began giving my friend and me free drinks because he felt so sorry for us. I’ll blame it on the alcohol…

Speed Date #3: “The Mumbler” - For the life of me, I could not understand a damn word he said. Thanks to his Affliction t-shirt, muscled up gym body, and bruised knuckles I was able to gather that he was some kind of UFC fighter-something. I’m pretty sure the punching and kicking involved in that is why he couldn’t form intelligible sentences. Maybe his larynx was injured? So, to save energy, I begin nodding and saying very generic things like “Mmhmm” and “That’s crazy” to keep from struggling to hear. Uh oh… That somehow led him to believe that I was an avid Jiu jitsu enthusiast. What?! So, he invited me to wrestle or do whatever it is that people do with Jiu jitsu. I laughed hysterically and he ran away.

Speed Date # 4: “The Marshall”- Thank God!! A normal man with a job and the ability to hold a pleasant conversation for six minutes. Unfortunately, he was about 60 years old and I really have to draw the line at old enough to be my father. Shucks!

Speed Date # 5: (Last but not least) “Mr. 20 Questions” - This man actually brought in a briefcase including a folder with freshly printed out questionnaires which – YES - he proceeded to ask all of us and wrote our answers down. Dude meant business! Since he was my last “date” and I had had God-knows-how- many LITs by this time, I was fully prepared to annoy the shit out of him. As he began asking his questions and trying to write down my answers, I interrupted him and spent the next five and a half minutes describing, in detail, my love for the movie “The Notebook.” He grumbled, called me “uncooperative” and stomped. Mission accomplished.

Afterwards, all of the women got together at a nearby table to debrief from the trauma of it all. But the fat lady hadn’t sung yet. “Van guy with anger issues” approached us and said, “Don’t pick any of those guys. They all live with their mothers” to which I responded, “Dude you live in a van!!!” Yeah, too many LITs…

Results of this “great idea”: Free drinks, fun new girlfriends, a new case of Malaxophobia, and a fabulous story to tell to help our other girlfriends feel better about their bad dates. So, when you’re enjoying a get-together with your girlfriends (and avoiding dating), here is a game to play:

Horrible Date Match Game: Have all your girlfriends anonymously write down their worst dates on numbered index cards. Then have the group try to guess which bad date goes with which friend. Winner gets an LIT (or some other fun prize).

Amanda Peevy is currently finishing up work on her Master’s degree in Social Work. She’s working to “save the world” one family at a time in a nonprofit, child abuse prevention agency. Amanda’s motto is to approach life with curiosity and a good sense of humor - it’s just more fun that way. She loves to laugh, tell stories, and spend time with her girlfriends who also love to laugh and help her maintain her sanity.

Estrofests: The 21st Century's Baubo

by Tonia

"What soap is to the body, laughter is to the soul." - Yiddish Proverb

I was recently challenged about the appropriateness of this blog. There were 'concerns' about its message.

Yes, I know that we are bawdy and irreverent. Yes, I know that we talk a lot about sex. And, yes, we do drink alcohol on occasion. But there is a deeper purpose in our writing; there is a point to our obnoxiousness.  

Connections

Estrofests promotes women’s connections through parties. We want women to have close girlfriends and to spend LOTS of time with them! All of us (men and women) thrive in affirming relationships but, for women, connecting with others is vital. It gives us zest/energy and increased self-knowledge and self-worth.

Humor and Mirth

Estrofests promotes humor and mirth – finding hilarity in women’s everyday experiences. Laughing is fun (duh) and improves mood. More and more research is verifying the benefits of humor and mirth. It reduces pain and stress, increases creativity, enhances problem-solving and inspires hope. Humor is also a wonderful glue in relationships.

Shame Resilience

Estrofests promotes women overcoming shameful perceptions about their bodies, their sexuality and their aging. We especially support women's sexual expression in opposition to our culture's oppression of female sexuality. Sharing our experiences (often humorously) normalizes them and reduces fear, shame and disconnection. We are sexual beings. There should be no shame in that.

 

I think these three principles are best represented by Baubo, the fun-loving, jesting, sexually liberated Greek goddess who brought great wisdom and healing to the other goddesses. She represents the POWER that comes from women's laughter, joking, and sexual banter. If you’re not familiar with Baubo, here's her story:

Story of Baubo

According to mythology, Demeter was in deep mourning over the loss of her daughter, Persphene, who had been kidnapped by Hades. So deep was Demeter’s grief that she had given up her goddess duties of bringing fertility to the land. Everyone tried desperately to cheer her up but she was inconsolable. Enter Baubo. The two women began chatting with Baubo making lots of humorous, risqué remarks. Demeter started to smile. Then Baubo, out of the clear blue sky, lifted her skirt and showed Demeter her vulva. Laughing heartily, Demeter was able to get herself out of her funk and take action to get her daughter back. Baubo saved the day.

We hope that we are a type of Baubo for 21st century women - bringing connection, humor and healing.

So pull your girlfriends close and teach each other how to live joyfully. Estrofests will be here to help by making you laugh, giving you party ideas, and reducing your shame. Peace and laughter.

Spanx Ain't for Sissies

Estrofests is excited to host guest blogger, Mary Sullivan Lounsbury. Mary is a stay-at-home Mimi and an old high school friend of Tonia's. Mary and Tonia recently reconnected through a high school reunion Facebook page poking fun at aging.

by Mary Sullivan Lounsbury

Menopause has had its way with me and I'm now past the size 14 I said I would NEVER grow beyond. Grrrrr. I wasn't supposed to be this size. So now I’m an overweight-sizing / weight-control-garment shopping virgin. Let me tell you my story.

I walked into “a Fat Lady Store" but was too ashamed to ask a sales person for help. Let's see,1X, 2X, 3X…. Where should I begin? I decided to just grab one item in every size. I quickly realized 1X is the smallest of the jumbo clothes. I put on some pants and a top but made the mistake of looking in the mirror. Holy s..t!!  I had a huge growth on my middle!  It resembled a tire but I guess it’s known as a "muffin top." I love muffins, but NOT on my body!

Later my husband's company was having a mandatory event and I didn’t want to be seen as the boss’s FAT WIFE which meant shopping again. This time I asked the sales associate for help. She told me about Spanx - said they were the most wonderful invention since the push-up bra. Hey, I'll buy anything that gets rid of the muffin top and shows off my newly acquired weight-enhanced big boobs!

I decided on a pair that went all the way up to my boobage but I couldn’t make myself try them on in the store. In fact, I put off trying them on until I needed them the day of the event. I opened the package. "OH NO, how am I going to squeeze my jumbo self into these little things? These were meant for Barbie, right?” But I had no time to waste.  I jumped in with both feet.  Pulling, sweating, grunting and cussing, I considered going downstairs for some Crisco or WD-40, but, like those mothers who find the strength to lift the truck off their child, I FINALLY got the Spanx all the way up! 

Then I had to reapply my makeup because all that sweating made my face look like I had just worked out at the gym in full make-up. That or I had had some crazy kind of kinky sex. Anyway, I was exhausted, but I had no time to spare. 

I jumped into the car with the hubby and thought all was well. But sitting down caused the Spanx to roll down to my waist and my muffin top exploded out from underneath. NOW what was I going to do? I could "adjust" the situation in the car, but how would I keep this from happening again?  I had it!  DON'T. SIT. DOWN. 

But then later that evening Problem Number 2 arose. I needed to pee. REALLY needed to pee. I looked for a "trap door" and there wasn't one. Crap! It took me a LONG TIME to get those Spanx up. I didn’t have enough energy to do it again. So, I did what any other self-respecting, overweight woman would do - I ripped a hole in the crotch and took care of business. 

You'd think this experience would be enough to make me lose weight, but I found another way to go.  Move up to a 2X and forget the Spanx!  The clothes drape nicely covering the bits that spill out and I'm COMFORTABLE.  No need to give up my ice cream.

So, the next time you get your girlfriends together, serve this unique and fabulous ice cream dessert. It's super easy and only uses two ingredients. And don’t worry about the calories!

Ginger Snap Ice Cream Dessert

1/2 gallon vanilla ice cream (must be real ice cream)

1 box ginger snaps

Place the ice cream in a large bowl and allow it to melt. While it is melting, grind the entire box of Ginger Snaps into crumbs. Place 1/2 of the crumbs in bottom of a 13x9 Pyrex pan, spreading evenly. Carefully pour melted ice cream on top taking care not to disturb the Ginger Snaps. Gently spoon the remaining Ginger Snaps over the entire top. Freeze for several hours until ice cream is hard. Cut, serve and ENJOY! 

Mary Sullivan Lounsbury, aka MiMi to her grandkids, lives in Southern Californa and has been married to the love of her life for 39 years. She is the proud mother of two grown children and grandmother to four of the most brilliant, beautiful grandbabies in the world. She is currently a stay at home MiMi so that her daughter and son-in-law can improve the lives of children as educators.   

Bridal Bender

by Anna

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." ~ Groucho Marx

I work in a bridal shop so my life is centered around weddings. Not only do I outfit brides, their families and their wedding parties, I'm a family therapist and sometimes, a babysitter.

I've been to over a 100 weddings. And, let me tell you, I've seen it all. I've seen grandmas grinding on groomsmen; I've seen divorced parents sneaking a quickie; I've seen fist fights … and the ultimate challenge … I've seen plastered brides.

I bring this up because, at the most recent wedding I attended, the bride was plastered before she even sat down for hair and makeup. In front of her FORMER mother-in-law she was shouting for refills of champagne and asking if anyone had any weed. (Is this how one enters matrimonial bliss?) Fortunately, she had several girlfriends to come to her rescue. Two of us raided the buffet line early to get some food and water in her. Not sure that sobered her up but it may have prevented her from getting really sick.

About an hour before the ceremony was to begin, she wanted to move the whole ceremony outside. Girlfriends to the rescue again! Convinced her to keep it inside since everything was already decorated so beautifully.

Then, thirty minutes before the ceremony, we learned that there had NOT been a rehearsal. (Guess you don't need those if you've been married before!) The THREE flower girls started fighting and crying about who would go first. Girlfriend to the rescue! Pulled them aside for a “secret girls meeting” to problem-solve. That one didn't work so well. As some random, nine-month pregnant wedding guest and I opened the doors for the staggering bride, the flower girls went flying down the aisle, pushing and shoving - and chucking flowers at each other. Oh well.

At the altar, the tottering bride handed off her bouquet to the oldest girl who proceeded to pluck the heads off of every single flower. Couldn’t save that one either.

At the reception the bride dedicated a song to each of her children and requested a dance ... and by dance I mean she dragged each child around by the head, lip-syncing every single word of the song. The new adult stepson simply left her alone on the dance floor mid-song. Girlfriends to the rescue! We joined her on the dance floor and ballerina-danced with her until the end of the song. I'm hoping that there is no video of this on You Tube.

After a few more drinks and major inappropriate remarks by the bride, I decided to call it a night. The girlfriends decided that the intervention could wait until after the honeymoon.

Who has stories of funny/awful/embarrassing weddings you've been to? Perhaps your own? Share them with us while you drink one of these:

Blushing Bride

1oz peach schnapps

1oz grenadine

4oz champagne

Pour peach schnapps and grenadine into a champagne flute. Top with champagne. Throw in a cherry for fun. Cheers!

The Hampered Hamster

By Rachel

“My god! It’s a hamster with explosives taped around its waist!” – Colin Mochrie

We moved into a new house this summer. No one warned me about pet adjustment. The dog wouldn’t leave the friggin' area rug for the first two days – like it was some giant security blanket. We had to bring her food and water and put it ON the rug - AND had to CARRY her outside to do her business. For the love of God…

And then there was the hamster. It’s just a rodent, right? Well, this little rodent has a mind of her own.  Even under normal circumstances she doesn't like anyone messing with her nest. She stands on her hind legs and curses after I clean her cage (sounds like squeaking to the untrained ear). Like all of the animals in our house (and a few of the humans *ahem*) she is neurotic as hell.

So, when we moved, she turned escape artist. We found her on the stairs and in the game room - but always fairly quickly after her escape. One time, however, she was gone for two days. My daughter was devastated; cried for hours. I made an elaborate plan to buy a replacement hamster and pass it off as “Fluffy.” But, before I had to take a picture of Fluffy to all the pet stores in town, my husband found her!

She had started a new life for herself in the laundry room. She’d been stealing dog food from the dog dish and stockpiling it. Seems she had turned survivalist. I think I saw some camouflage and Lego weapons in her camp as well. We’ve now added an alarm system and a barbed wire fence to the hamster cage to prevent future escapes.  

And I gotta’ have a talk with the dog. Not sure if she let the hamster bully her out of her lunch – or if she was just too damn lazy to get up and do anything about it. I’m suddenly not feeling too safe with this “watch dog.”

But, in celebration of finding Fluffy, I made our favorite peanut butter cookies! These are simple to make and are always a big hit at parties! I know your girlfriends will love them!

Peanut Butter Cookies

1 cup peanut butter

1 cup sugar

1/2 tsp vanilla

1 egg 

   

Mix all of the ingredients together in a bowl (or dog dish - whatever). Roll dough into 1 inch balls and use a fork to flatten them on a cookie sheet. Bake at 350 degrees for 6-8 minutes or until golden brown. Freeze some if you're into that stockpiling thing!

Tell us YOUR pet stories!