Celebrate the Shero in You

Estrofests is so excited to host guest blogger, Cela DeLaRosa. Cela is a freelance copywriter by day and grrrlfriends' party thrower extraordinaire by night. Check out her party idea here and her website below!

By Cela DeLaRosa

Notice how many kick-butt Snow White movies came out this year? And superhero movies? Well, last month pop culture collided with my monthly gal-pal party, turning Game Night into "Shero Night."

Capes were optional, so most party guests arrived in their secret-identity/alter-ego outfits (Diana Prince instead of Wonder Woman). We started out with a "name that shero" game, where the first one to correctly name all 15 heroic women pictured won a prize. (A cool-gel "super" mask -- great for soothing sinus headaches or putting out hot flashes.)

Then, we each had to answer 30 questions to determine "which superhero are you?" As we were working through the questions (see below), one of my friends quipped, "These questions are really about us, not superheroes, right?" I just laughed and we continued with the game.

While the players calculated their superhero scores, the room got quiet. Then, faster than a speeding bullet, it hit me. My friend was right -- my living room was full of heroic women. Cancer survivors, athletes, single mothers, special ed teachers, bionic women, community volunteers, spiritual leaders, pet rescuers, healers, mentors, caregivers, crusaders for social justice... and then some.

I truly have some awesome grrrlfriends -- super women in their own right! <insert super sigh here>

Now, back to the superhero scores: it turned out no one was Super Girl, but we had one Invisible Woman, several Bat Girls, a few Cat Women, and one Wonder Woman (our oldest party gal -- who knew?).

We continued celebrating our awesomeness with a contest of three heroic feats:

1. Bending steel with our bare hands (making mini-handcuffs out of twist ties).
2. Flying (a paper airplane made from the superhero questionnaire).
3. Blowing super-sized bubbles (with Super Bubble gum, of course!).

After awarding the last gel-mask prize, we adjourned to the kitchen for some epic refreshments. We had shero sandwiches (like hero sandwiches, but with more lettuce, pickles and greens) and a choice of super beverages: Isis Tea, Pink Power Ranger Punch, and Kryptonite (margaritas).

So, the next time you get together with your gal pals, see which superheroes show up to the party. Ask these 30 yes-or-no questions (but don’t reveal the points until all questions are answered):

1. Do you like to fly?
2. Do you like to wear a cape?
3. Are you very virtuous?
4. Do you hate the color green?
5. Are you obviously very strong?
6. Do you like long hair?
7. Are you extremely talented in only one area?
8. Do you like your younger brother?
9. Do you enjoy working behind the scenes?
10. Do you have lots of energy?
11. Do you like working on a team?
12. Are you a good mother?
13. Are you an intelligent geek?
14. Do you like riding motorcycles?
15. Do you admire police officers?
16. Do you enjoy going to the library?
17. Are you a hopeless romantic?
18. Do you like high-tech gadgets?
19. Do you like to wear leather?
20. Are you a flirt?
21. Do you have long fingernails?
22. Have you ever stolen anything?
23. Do you really like cats?
24. Are you good at gymnastics?
25. Do you have strong powers of persuasion?
26. Are you good with your hands?
27. Do you like wearing a pushup bra?
28. Do you have hidden strength?
29. Do you speak more than 1 language?
30. Are you a feminist?

Now for the points: all "No" answers are 0 points. "Yes" answers for questions 1-6 are worth 1 point each; 7-12 are 2 points each; 13-18 are 3 points each; 19-24 are 4 points each; 25-30 are 5 points each.

Ready for the big reveal?

Total scores of 17 or less are Super Girl.

Scores from 18 to 36 are Invisible Woman.

Scores from 37 to 53 are Bat Girl.

Scores from 54 to 72 are Cat Woman.

Scores from 73 to 90 are Wonder Woman.

You might be surprised how many sheroes are hiding behind a secret identity in your circle of friends!

Cela DeLaRosa is a freelance copywriter (www.wordstosellby.com) who is always looking for new party game ideas. She started hosting monthly game nights about 15 years ago to bring her grrrlfriends together in a cozy, conversational setting. In her home no topic is taboo, no one is expected to act her age, and no tipping is required. (Bonus: game nights also motivate her to thoroughly clean her house at least once a month.) She found out about Estrofests from her fun-loving and talented niece, Grace Ballard. Thanks, Gracey!

Fiasco on the Fourth

By Rachel

"You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand." - Jeff Foxworthy

I spent my first 4th of July in rural Texas this year. This meant we could legally shoot off flaming fire hazards – aka fireworks.

Now, I should tell you, fireworks are a BIG deal in Texas. There are fireworks stands on every street corner with signs that read:  “Buy one, get fifteen free!” 

My husband was thrilled. He and a friend went to get fireworks - not at a fireworks stand, mind you – a fireworks warehouse! I told him to purchase Ground Bloom Flowers, Killer Bees and Sparklers (all with low damage potential). He came home with Lucky Space Rockets, Multi-colored Bombshells, Thunder Mountains, Pyro Pulverizers and a Pyrotechnic Motherlode. His car was packed.

ME: “Are you planning on blowing up the whole damn neighborhood?”

HIM: “No. The guy at the store said people really like these.”

ME: “And people really like to put cherry bombs down toilets, too, but that doesn’t mean it’s a good idea.”

HIM: “I couldn’t get the things on your puny list when everyone else had all kinds of cool rockets and bombshells. It would have been embarrassing.”

ME: “Well, don't be looking for fireworks with me later!” 

At dusk, our neighbors began shooting off an impressive display of fireworks. My husband grabbed his gear. The kids and I ran to the other side of the street. Hubby shot his first rocket right into the gutter and caught the gutter debris on fire. He looked for his fire extinguisher and realized he had forgotten it. Shock and horror filled the faces of the adults. “Cool! Do that AGAIN!” shouted the kids. We all began throwing cups of water into the gutter and were able to extinguish the fire before the fire department had to be called. Next year I’m going to my mother’s.

And the next time you have an outdoor party and need to cool things down a bit, serve these wonderful yogurt popsicles!

Strawberry and Banana Yogurt Popsicles

1 cup of sliced strawberries

1 cup of mashed bananas

2 cups of vanilla yogurt

Puree the strawberries, bananas and yogurt in a food processor (or blender). Pour into ice cream molds or you can use Dixie cups with popsicle sticks. Freeze for 5 hours. Enjoy! 

Seeing Red

by Anna

After moving my mother 4 times in 1 year (due to minor disasters like divorce and an apartment fire), we finally moved her into a cute, comfy house of her own in May. But, of course, Mom spends her summers in Santa Fe, so she basically just dropped off all her shit and ran for the hills…..or high desert. While she is away on her "sabbatical," I'm to tend the lawn, water the flowers, check the mail, AND paint the bathroom….. 

The bathroom. Mom chooses RED, electric RED, to go over the former owner’s newly painted brown bathroom. She buys "primer paint" which supposedly allows you to skip a step in the whole painting process. Fail. Fail. FAIL. This bitch red has taken not 1, not 2, not 3, but 4 coats of paint. I'm wearing more red to work now...I've even painted my nails 80s Slut Red! I may be feeling blue, but I’m seeing red….

And, I want you to know that this is the smallest bathroom known to womankind with all kinds of little partial walls and nooks and crannies. I have become quite the contortionist. I was holding my own unique yoga poses for over 20 minutes at a time. (There will be NO pictures!)

So have your girlfriends over and have yourself a free style yoga party! It's good for your mind and good for your muscles.

And, after a few of these drinks, you'll soon know who the most flexible woman of your group is. Hire her to paint all of your small, hard to reach places cuz I’m on my way to the chiropractor.....

Red Spicy Bitch 

1 part pepper vodka 

2 parts V8

Combine into shaker with half ice, shake and poor into martini glass. Oh, yea, and drink….

Words of Wisdom from the Aging

by Tonia
   

“Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.” - Bob Monkhouse

I recently had a birthday. I realize that having birthdays is better than the alternative but, for God’s sake, it seems like they’re coming every other week now! I’m definitely getting older sooner than I expected.

I’m actually an official AARP member now. It gets me some discounts, but not for anything cool like Botox, pole-dancing lessons, drinks at the bar, or sex toys. I’m kinda’ at that awkward age: old enough to know better but young enough to want to do it.

Since I’ve been around a few years, I’d like to pass on some words of wisdom to the younger readers. You know, things I’ve learned in life. (Pay attention, RACHEL and ANNA!):

**I’ve learned that being with family is better than being in an automobile accident.

**I’ve learned that collagen loss never goes into remission.

**I’ve learned that any recipe can be improved if you add a bottle of wine to it.

**I’ve learned that "Stop, Drop, and Roll" is not only an effective fire safety technique, it’s a great way to get out of a boring conversation.

**I’ve learned that after having my way with a bowl of Haagen Daz ice cream, I no longer want to have sex – AND no one wants to have sex with me.

**I’ve learned that no matter how neatly I put away Christmas lights, they will be tangled the next year when I take them out.

**I’ve learned that the cuter the shoes, the more they hurt my feet – often only getting me from the parking lot to my office where I have to stay seated all day.

**I’ve learned that house-cleaning is like bad sex – it goes on too long and I’m not nearly satisfied.

**I’ve learned that paying my taxes with a smile is not enough – they want money.

For your next girlfriends get-together, ask everyone to bring several of their “What I’ve learned in life” nuggets of wisdom on index cards. Hang these on some kind of small tree or tree branch as part of your decorations. (And you can practice on us by giving us YOUR nuggets of wisdom in the comments below.)

If you’ve got a chronologically gifted group, pass out the following list of names for cocktails. Ask each guest to select a name and make up a cocktail recipe for it. If you have enough ingredients, you could set them out and have each of your guests MAKE their cocktail and engage in taste-testing! Be sure to call cabs when you’re done!

Viva Viagra

Aching Joints

Behind the Times

Flaming Pharmaceutical

Social Security Setback

Ben Gay 

Corpse Reviver

Hormone Replacement Therapy

"Don’t let aging get you down. It’s too hard to get back up." - John Wagner

Taking a Ride on the Wild Side

by Rachel
"Zoo: An excellent place to study the habits of human beings." - Evan Esar

My husband and I took the kids to the drive-thru animal park. My brother-in-law tagged along because he doesn’t have a life. When we got there, hubby and I almost had to hock our wedding rings to buy the animal food. Holy crap! What do they put in that stuff? Steak? Lobster? GOLD? 

As we began our journey through the park, the brother-in-law (BIL) said he was going to feed the ostriches by hand. Idiot. I reminded him that there were signs saying NOT to hand-feed the animals - especially the ostriches because they can be aggressive.

Like his brother, he didn’t listen to me. An ostrich approached the car. BIL lured it to his window and began feeding it from his hand. The ostrich soon grew weary of this and began pecking at his lap trying to grab the bag of food. (I would have liked for it to have grabbed a part of his lap ANATOMY!) All we heard was “Ouch! Ouch! OUCH!” My husband was laughing so hard he almost ran the car into a tree. I was not amused… The ostrich finally won - grabbed the ENTIRE bag of food, threw it on the ground and began devouring it. 

I broke up the few remaining pieces of food and gave them to the kids so they could feed some animals. We were supposed to be there for them, after all! They were excited when the Aoudads (look like rams) came close to the car and began eating the pellets dropped on the ground beside the car. Then we heard a scraping sound – and realized that their horns were scratching the side of his car. A priceless moment was watching hubby’s laugh turn into a look of horror. Glad we took HIS car and not mine.

So, take a walk on the wild side and go with some girlfriends to the zoo or animal park. Study up on the strangest animal mating habits - such as bees whose testicles explode when they mate. (For more strange mating habits and some good animal porn, click here) And take along some of these fabulous chocolate cookies. They are one of my FAVORITES and so easy to make (shhhh….don’t tell….they are made with a brownie mix).

 Brownie Chocolate Cookies

1 package (16 oz.) brownie mix

½ cup melted butter

1 egg (beaten)

3 tablespoons all-purpose flour

Confectioners’ sugar for rolling

Stir the brownie mix and flour in a large bowl. Add the egg and melted butter and stir to combine. Refrigerate 1-2 hours. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Scoop the dough into 1-inch balls and roll in confectioners’ sugar. Bake until the cookies rise but are still a little soft in the center, 10 to 15 minutes. Enjoy!

Swap is the New Shop

Estrofests is thrilled to host guest blogger, Cynthia Marshall Shore. Cynthia is a writer and happy mother of two beautiful daughters. She blogs about her adventures in parenting girls to women at http://growingmygirls.com . 

By Cynthia Marshall Shore


I just threw my first clothes swap and now I’m hooked. I’ve got some new-to-me clothes and a more organized closet – what could be better? No clothes in a landfill, wonderful free duds, and that all-important itch of discontent now scratched. Life is good! Good food and drinks, great friends, new outfits - the urge to organize a husband-swap has now disappeared. Strange how that works.… 


When throwing a clothes swap, it’s important to set the scale to your comfort level. At my first swap, a birthday potluck, women burrowed through wrinkly clothes in tattered paper bags, tossing unwanted things aside, leaving me to scrounge around on the floor. (Which yes, I did. I love new clothes.) Even so, I came home with something I still wear – but I did wash it first.

The second one wasn’t technically a swap. It had racks filled with our elegantly hung and low-to-moderately priced contributions, many of them from labels I only dream of. There were tables laid out with rows of high heels and bags and a local knitwear designer came to sell her wares at full price. It was held in a beautiful, high-modern house and champagne was served. The floor was carefully avoided. Very fun, but didn’t come home with much.

My friend, Molly (her blog as a wannabe DIY superhero can be found here), and I modeled our clothes swap on the third swap I went to: an appetizer potluck. Clothes were laid out carefully on couches, tables and (recently vacuumed) carpets. Guests provided the good food; we provided the good wine (well ... ahem ... at least it was chilled). Husband was banished to his office; oldest daughter was permitted. In fact, she made the first score – a pair of patchwork pink Converse high tops. The grown-ups were shy at first, clinging to their plates of crackers and cheese, until Molly and I broke the ice, picking out pieces and bringing them to people. Soon, we were all stripping down in the living room, seeing what would fit. We watched each other try things on, gave advice, talked about foundation underwear and made boob jokes whenever someone squeezed into a low-cut dress.

Of course, there’s always one – be prepared – always one woman who looks great in everything she tries on and takes home more than anyone else. Sigh. She looked fabulous and the rest of us went back for a second round of dessert.

But everybody found something. All unwanted leftovers were taken to a thrift store except those grown-up pieces that got snapped up during my daughter’s end-of-swap scrounge. Her style theme in the last few days is now “elegant and baggy.”

A cleaner closet, a virtuous sense of thrift, new clothes to enjoy; not many parties can promise all that. We’re looking forward to doing it                                                   again in the fall. 

Cynthia Marshall Shore is a 53-year-old writer and happy mother of two. A former columnist, her work has also appeared in the New York Times and other magazines. She is currently blogging about parenting at http://growingmygirls.com Go check her out!

Good, Good, GOOD Vibrations

by Tonia
"Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." - Mae West

I recently saw the film, Hysteria, a romantic comedy and somewhat fictionalized history of the vibrator’s invention. I like to think of the movie as a tribute to vibrators - and the women who love them.

In the 19^th century a woman’s “hysteria” could be cured if a physician gave her a “pelvic massage” until she had "hysterical paroxysms" – aka orgasms. Needless to say, repeat business was quite good for this treatment (I wonder if my medical insurance would pay for this. Hmmmm….) but doctors often complained that it took women too long to achieve relief. So, with the invention of the vibrator, treatment dropped from one hour to ten minutes. Think of this as Minute Rice for the doctor’s office.

But I did a little more research on the topic and it turns out that the very FIRST vibrator may have been invented by Cleopatra. Apparently, she had the idea of filling a hollow gourd with angry bees (not to be confused with Angry Birds). The violent buzzing caused the gourd to vibrate and then ... well, you know. This gives a whole new meaning to ‘bee’ing stimulated or getting the heebeegeebees.

Since their introduction, vibrators have been credited with billions of orgasms. And, I must admit, they certainly work better than hopping on the washing machine for a long spin cycle. (Do NOT do this at a Laundromat.) In fact, here are some perks of using a vibrator:

- A vibrator doesn’t care how long it takes to satisfy me.

- A vibrator won’t turn off before I’m finished.

- A vibrator is ALWAYS hard.

- A vibrator won’t kiss and tell.

- I can have multiple vibrators and no one gets jealous

- No matter how old and saggy I get, I can always find a willing vibrator.

But you can get overwhelmed by the choices in vibrators. In selecting one, be sure to know if you like strong or mild stimulation, if you need vaginal or clitoral stimulation (or both), if you'll be using it solo or with a partner, etc. 

A fun (and useful!) girlfriends party would be to get a vibrator demonstration by going to a sex shop or hosting a home party like Passion Parties® or Fantasia Home Parties®. A nice intro to vibrators (video clip) by sexologist, Dr. Carol Queen, can be found by clicking HERE 

And, while you are having this party, here is a cute idea for Margarita Shots served in lime halves which look like Os! Now go and enjoy YOUR Os!

The Hapless House-keeper

by Tonia

“Always keep several get well cards on the mantle ... so if unexpected guests arrive, they will think you've been sick and unable to clean.” – Erma Bombeck

I have never been a very good house-keeper.  Don’t like it and don’t do a good job at it. It must be some kind of genetic defect because I come from a family of OCD house-cleaners. My mother shopped for cleaning supplies like I shop for shoes. Even both of my daughters (co-bloggers) keep lovely, tidy homes. I tend to clean only when I’m having a party – or when I’m broke and hoping to find loose change. I mean, for goodness sake, why did God create doorknobs if we weren’t supposed to hang clothes on them?

My poor house-keeping has created a few tensions with my daughters, however. Rachel refuses to eat anything out of my refrigerator until she checks the date on it. Anna threatens to wear a helmet when she opens cupboard doors. Both of them have suggested that I have guests sign liability waivers when I entertain. Brats. They probably wash their WHOLE panty hose and not just the feet and crotch.

Personally, I think the layers of film and dust on my windows help filter the harmful (and aging!) rays of sunlight. AND, if I should get lucky and get laid during the daytime, they help create a more romantic ambiance. Besides, at my age, the low lighting helps.

But I DO like to entertain, so here are my top three house-keeping tips:

(1) Eliminate kitchen odors by eating out

(2) Stash loose items in your oven and dryer. Just don’t use those appliances later!

(3) Stretch caution tape across the door to any room where you wish to discourage visitors from entering (biohazard tape and police crime scene tape also work)

Tell us about your housecleaning adventures. And, for your next girlfriends’ get together, try this fabulous margarita recipe. We call it Cleaning Naked Margarita.

Cleaning Naked Margarita

12 oz frozen limeade

12 oz of 7 up

12 oz of tequila

12 oz Corona

Slices of lime

Mix together the liquids, put a slice of lime on the side of the glass and serve. I like salted rims, but then I like salty guys…..I mean, salty drinks.

Pedicure Virgin

By Tonia

“Toe: A part of the foot used to find furniture in the dark.” –Unknown

Recently a friend of mine bought me a pedicure. I’d been a pedicure virgin. That’s right. At fifty-something I’d never been touched by anyone’s polishing tool; never been stroked by the pedicurist’s hands; never felt the afterglow of being finely serviced.  I’d been holding out for Kevin Costner – hoping he’d paint my toenails like he did for Susan Saradon in Bull Durham. But I’ve been waiting since 1988 so I guess that’s not going to happen.

I HAVE painted my own toenails. My self-administered pedicures were done leaning over my knees on the toilet or pulling a knee up to an ear lobe in order to get a foot in my lap. These contortions really should qualify me as an Olympian athlete…. they CERTAINLY didn’t qualify me as a pedicurist.

And, by the way, the sight of middle-aged women’s feet is not for the faint-hearted. Only other women actually have the stomach for it – kinda’ like childbirth and baby diarrhea. The layers of dead skin is like the rings that grow on a tree each year. And, when you’re getting as old as I am, those layers are getting pretty dense!

My own feet have their own special challenges. I have one toenail that is particularly thick and needs a hacksaw to trim it. I could have hired a blacksmith instead of a pedicurist. And then there are my little toes which turn sideways like they’re looking to leave the other toes. Don’t know what pissed them off exactly, but they have been very antisocial with the others.

But the pedicure was fabulous. I highly recommend them. So get a group of girlfriends together to go get pedicures. Take some Drunken Gummy Bears with you as a snack. No one in the salon will ever know that you are eating your liquor. Check out the recipe HERE at the Sweetest Temptations. Their stuff is FABULOUS!

House of Horrors

by Rachel

We recently sold our house and have been looking for a new one. I've been on a whirlwind tour of old houses, new houses, tall houses, short houses, fat houses, skinny houses; houses that looked like the psychotic kids were in charge of the upkeep; houses that looked like Monk lived there. We saw so many houses they started to become a blur so we started naming them, i.e. the “Western Saloon House” and the “Pepto Pink House.” Need I say more?

During our house tours we’ve been fortunate to be able to dump drop off the kids at friends' houses for playdates. Well … until last weekend.

Our realtor lined up 2 houses for us to look at. We had the kids with us. We survived the first tour but the second one ..... holy crap. I told the hubby to watch the kids while I toured with the agent (sucker!). He decided to return a call to his friend about playing golf. The kids seized the opportunity to go berserk, knowing we wouldn't beat them senseless in front of the realtor. First, they found the pantry and decided to fix themselves a snack. Then my son began playing “shoot ‘em up and knock ‘em down” with the Precious Moments figurines in the formal dining area. My daughter saw a cat outside and let it in, assuming it was the owners'. She figured out it didn't live there when the dogs went berserk and chased the cat ALL OVER the house. We finally got the damn cat out and cleaned up the mess. The agent faked a “forgotten appointment” excuse so she could escape us. I gave husband the “silent treatment” all of the way home - a heck of a lot better than what I WANTED to say to him!

So, if your girlfriends like house hunting, invite them over to watch HGTV’s House Hunters while you play this House Hunters Drinking Game. Click HERE for how to play the game and, if you get a chance, make these fabulous chocolate chip cookies. But if you don’t get to make the cookies, don’t worry about it … you will have had so much to drink you won’t even care!

Amazing Chocolate Chip Cookies

1 cup softened butter

1 cup brown sugar

1 cup white sugar

2 eggs

2.5 teaspoons vanilla extract

2 cups flour

1 cup ground oatmeal

1 teaspoon baking soda

½ teaspoon salt

2 cups semi-sweet chocolate chips

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Cream together both sugars and butter until smooth. Beat in the eggs and then add vanilla. Add baking soda and salt and then stir. Stir in flour and then add chocolate chips. Drop by large spoonfuls onto ungreased pans. Bake for about 10 minutes, or until edges are browned.

Poker Bitch

By Tonia

“Old card players never die, they just shuffle away.” - Unknown

I love to play poker. Pretty much suck at it, though. In fact, I recently hosted a poker party where I taught everyone how to play but ended up the Big Loser – down $7 when we only bought $5 worth of chips. Don’t ask. It was better than taking my clothes off. My chances of getting a Royal Flush were better in the bathroom than at that poker table.

I actually used to have Bathroom Poker Parties. Everyone would come in “powder room” attire: PJs, face cream, hair rollers, etc. I would fill the bathtub up with ice for the beer, and use one of those room wraps to create a casino. While playing cards we would turn on the bathroom fan and smoke cigars. Well, TRY to smoke cigars. We usually couldn’t keep them lit so we did other obnoxious things with them. (Sometimes a cigar isn’t just a cigar.)

One time I was out of town visiting some friends and we decided to have a girls’ poker night so I ran to the store to pick up some cards. About the third hand my friend had a pair of aces –aces of spades. Turned out I had bought pinochle cards instead of poker cards. Who knew? We played on, though. Didn’t let a little thing like cards screw up our poker game.

I HIGHLY advise a girlfriends’ get together for poker! Even if you don’t know how to play, you can look up the rules for great variations of poker like Follow the Bitch, Guts, Roll Your Own, and Crazy Pineapple. And, besides the traditional poker finger foods, make some of these adorable poker cookies at BigFatCook – Click HERE 

Outlawed Sex

By Tonia

“Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.” From Murphy’s Laws of Love

Today’s blog is about unusual sex laws that are still on the books. Pay close attention as these laws may be applicable in your state and you do not want to be arrested. I, personally, look terrible in orange.

In Bozeman, Montana, it's illegal to have intercourse with a person of the opposite sex on the front lawn after sundown if the participants are nude. I think you can get around this one if you have sex with someone of the same sex … or leave at least one sock on.

In Newcastle, Wyoming, there is a law which prohibits a couple from having intercourse standing inside a market's walk-in-meat freezer. This one is easy. Simply lay down …. and hope to God your ass doesn’t stick to the freezer floor!

The entire state of New Mexico does not allow a couple to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch breaks and if the vehicle has curtains. For God’s sake, take those curtains down! Let us watch!

In Cleveland, Ohio, a woman may not wear patent-leather shoes and a skirt at the same time because a man might see the reflection of her va-jay-jay in her shoes. This law brings shoe porn to a whole new level. My thoughts: if you’re wearing patent-leather, tap dance your way through the day. Hard to catch a reflection that way.

In Clinton, Oklahoma, it’s illegal to masturbate while watching two people have sex in a car. Maybe those New Mexicans can send their car curtains. Other advice: see if the couple will move to the lawn. After all, it’s not Bozeman, Montana!

In Willowdale, Oregon, men must pay a fine if they talk 'dirty' during sex. Since this law is gender specific to men, I think we’re OK here, ladies. Talk as dirty as you like!

According to the law in Connorsville, Wisconsin, it is illegal for a man to shoot off a gun while his female partner has an orgasm. Wow. Not even sure what to say here. WTF???

For your next girlfriends’ get-together be sure to have some Sex-on-the-Beach (if it’s not illegal in your state, of course!). Here’s our recipe:

Sex on the Beach:

Pour the following into a shaker with ice cubes:

1.5 oz of vodka  

1 oz of peach schnapps

2 oz of orange juice

2 oz of cranberry juice

Shake well; strain into a glass; garnish with an orange slice and maraschino cherries. Enjoy!! (But don’t be shooting off any guns when you drink!)

Women's Bodies in Time Travel

By Tonia

Question: When is a woman who’s not pregnant actually pregnant?

Answer: When she lives in Arizona.

Einstein theorized that time travel was possible. I’m a believer. I’m watching women’s rights go back in time……back to a time when pushing out babies was a woman's only purpose. Back to a time when it was believed that “the uterus has naturally an incredible desire to conceive and procreate.” 

Gosh, I’ve had some incredible desires in my lady parts but none of them were for making a baby. Most of my “incredible desires” were for … uh … the Big O.

Seriously. Birth control only for medical purposes? I foresee LOTS of women with medical problems in the future! In some states there is even proposed legislation that women can only get insurance coverage for the pill if their companies approve birth control. Really? If this passes, be sure to ask your boss if lunch is on the approved list of foods! And certainly stay away from bananas and cucumbers. You know how sexually dangerous THOSE things can be!

When did legislators become so interested in the most personal aspects of women’s bodies? Let’s all write letters to our Congressmen updating them on our periods (color, flow, cramps, etc), our pregnancies (weight changes, stretch marks, mucus plugs, etc.) and our menopause (hot flashes, vaginal atrophy, hair loss, etc.). Now that we know how much they care.

Here is some personal legislation I‘m thinking about proposing:

(1) Create state regulation over vasectomies – all vasectomies must be approved by a panel of women

(2) Criminalize ejaculation outside of a woman’s vagina – should be considered an action against an unborn child

(3) Require a rectal ultra sound in order to prescribe Viagra – make sure that prostate is in good shape before increasing blood flow

So, for your next girlfriends’ get together, find out what ridiculous legislation your state has pending against women’s reproductive rights and organize a demonstration on the capital steps or sign petitions and/or letters and send them to your legislators. Let us know how it goes!