Of Fucking and Farting

By Tonia

“Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.” – Will Rogers

As an older woman who dates and tries to get laid as frequently as she can find a willing victim….I mean, partner….I have run into yet another problem. It’s not like cellulite, leg cramps, saggy breasts, urinary tract infections and vaginal atrophy aren’t enough. I now fart when I have intercourse. For the record, these are not sweet little vaginal queefs. These are real life, out-your-ass, blow-the-horn farts. 

The first time it happened I was humiliated. Women aren’t supposed to fart (but they DO - approximately 14 times a day - just like men). I hoped my partner would be momentarily confused andthink that an intruder had crept into the room and smashed a giant piece of bubble wrap. Not sure that was his first thought but he did politely ignore the wind flying from my anus.

Most of my partners are clearly familiar with the sound of a fart so I really can't hide them. They KNOW. One partner farted back to make me feel better. Sensitive guy.

I used to pull the pillow over my head and say that I was never having sex again, but no one believed that. I’ve tried telling my partners that farting is just another kind of blow job. Ahhahaha. OK, not funny. I’ve considered sticking a cork in my ass but I’m afraid it could shoot off my partner’s balls (a REAL Ball Buster!). Recently I told a partner that farting is really a high compliment – that I’ve been able to achieve a high degree of anal relaxation with him. He couldn’t refrain from rolling his eyes. Asshole.

Maybe I just need to find someone with flatulophilia – a flatulence fetish. That way it can be part of our foreplay. I’m wondering - do people state this on an online dating profile?

And FYI for you scholarly types - Benjamin Franklin wrote an essay on farts. He suggested that scientists develop a drug “with the effect of rendering flatulence not only inoffensive, but agreeable as perfumes." Here, here, Benjy! Although excluded from his published works after his death, you can now find this essay in Fart Proudly: Writings of Benjamin Franklin You Never Read in School, a 1990 collection of Franklin's humorous writings. No need to thank me. Just tell us your experiences with farting in bed.

So whether you break wind, cut the cheese, rip one, wilt flowers, flap cheeks, or simply pass gas, try our chocolate martini at your next girlfriends’ get together. We’re calling it The Relaxed Anus.  Cheers!

The Relaxed Anus

.5 oz. Godiva chocolate cream liqueur

.5 oz. Godiva white chocolate liqueur

1 oz. vanilla vodka

1.5 oz. milk

Sprinkle of cinnamon

Put the liquid ingredients in a shaker. Shake, shake, shake. Pour into a martini glass and sprinkle with cinnamon. This drink definitely registers 4.5 on the Rectum Scale!

I May Not Be An Expert But.....

by Anna

"My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to." - Rita Rudner

I may not be an expert in dating but I do play one on the internet. And, despite my long and mostly unsuccessful dating history, I'm convinced that chivalry should not be dead - although it does need Viagra at times. I’ve learned that when a man is into a woman he will actively pursue her. Period.

Here are some clues that he’s digging YOU and not just digging at your clothes:


-- He used 3 types of lettuce in the salad he prepared for you.
-- He bought you a fabulous bottle of wine instead of jager shots.
-- He compliments you so much that you feel like you’re worthy of a Nobel prize.
-- He wants to meet your friends and family – and its not because he’s selling anything. 

-- He pretends to be interested in your interests. Bonus points for acting skills.

On the other hand, here are some red flags to keep your Dud Dating Ratio down. Let him go if: 
-- He’s at his local bar more nights a week than he's with you. He’s chosen his favorite dive and it’s not your vagina.
-- He doesn't call/text when he says he will. No, he didn't forget; no, your number didn’t blow away in the May tornado. He’s blowing YOU off. 


-- He goes on and on for hours about himself - his job, his band, his fantasy football, his childhood, his ear infection, his Athlete’s Foot…. Send him to On and On Anon.
-- He won't commit. He won't commit to plans for your next date, much less a relationship!

So many communication breakdowns in dating.
 Is it me? Is it you? Are we both commitment phobes?
 Is he too picky? Am I too picky?
 I vote for exit interviews when it comes to parting ways. Get together with your girlfriends and draft some exit interview questions. Guaranteed good time and lots of laughs for all. And sip on these:

Failure to Launch
3 oz freshly squeezed tangerine juice
1.5 oz vodka
1 tsp Cointreau

 Shake it up with ice like Beyonce.

Sibling Terror

By Rachel

“Teddy said it was a hat, So I put it on. Now dad is saying, "where the heck's the toilet plunger gone?” – Shel Silverstein

My daughter had a performance at her school a few days ago. OMG. Almost on cue, the moment the curtain rose, parents rose - with cameras, cell phones, video recorders, etc. Fewer people get to their feet for the national anthem!

My daughter was on stage trying to hide behind the other kids. I whispered to my husband that I could tell she hadn’t practiced as she didn’t know the words to the songs. I had to repeat this 3 times as he was too busy playing on his new iPhone5. (Who are the kids here??) Well, my 5 year old overheard me and yelled so everyone could hear, “Sis, Mom said you didn’t practice. Why didn’t you practice?” My daughter was horrified. I saw her crouch down and try to hide. Siblings: the only people who pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.

Supposedly sibling relationships are where we learn sharing and cooperation. Really? Not sure how THAT happens! My own memories of sibling drama include my brother telling the neighborhood boys that I had boobs, and my sister tackling me one New Years’ Eve because she had had too much to drink.

My aunt tells a story of how my mother took HER Chatty Cathy doll for a bicycle ride – not her OWN doll, mind you, her SISTER’s doll. Of course she dropped the doll so instead of talking like a sweet girlie doll, she sounded like Darth Vader. I don’t think my aunt has ever recovered.

So, if your kids are driving you crazy with their arguing and competition for attention, leave them with their father (or anyone else you can find) and get together with your girlfriends. Have a couple of our Estro-tinis. They're delish!

Estro-tini

  

2 oz. Pineapple juice

1 oz. Vanilla flavored Vodka      

1 tbsp of Grenadine syrup

Garnish: Cherry

Pour liquid ingredients into a martini shaker full of ice. Shake well and pour into a martini glass. Garnish with a cherry. No need to add estrogen!

Sticky Teeth Syndrome

By Tonia

"I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it could happen to you." ~ Andy Ronney

Recently I’ve noticed that food is sticking to my teeth more. Yep, remnants of meals past. I'm calling it Sticky Teeth Syndrom (STS) - a condition where teeth become magnetized for pieces of food like lettuce, corn, blueberries, and pieces of meat. It is the rare food product that can escape its power. My smile ends up looking like a post-it note of dinner – or like I’m auditioning for a sequel of Deliverance. Ugh.

My girlfriends have an array of responses to my affliction. Some of them ignore it; some subtly point to their own teeth behind a napkin; some just reach over and pick it out. But my very best friend always offers me more salad to go with my meal tidbits. Bitch.

I found out that Sticky Teeth Syndrome is really dry mouth. So I guess my mouth has gone the way of my skin, my eyes and my vagina. Dry, drier, and driest. My body has become a human Sahara Desert. Even my brain is drying out (yep, our brains lose moisture and shrink with age). Instead of "shit for brains," I'll have "sand for brains." Life is not a dry run, but this body sure is!

So I want to know, does this new arid state of being mean that someone left me high and dry - or just hung me out to dry? Will it enhance my dry sense of humor? Is STS like arthritis where I’ll be able to predict weather changes when I have something stuck in my teeth? God, I hope something good comes from it. This aging thing is not for the faint-hearted.

For your next girlfriends’ get-together host a Five Wishes Party. See their website and party suggestions HERE. Not a laughing matter, and very important, Five Wishes is the US’s most popular living will - an easy to use legal document that lets folks plan how they want to be cared for in case they become seriously ill. Pass copies around and discuss; fill them out and witness one another’s documents. Fun party ideas include:

(1) Put blow pops in a bowl with a sign, “Aging Sucks.”

(2) Serve trays of seedless grapes without stems with a sign, "Loose Marbles."

(3) Wedge a slab of colored cream cheese (resembling denture cream) in a set of plastic teeth and surround it with crackers.

(4) Read or pass around Dr. Suess’s book, You’re Only Old Once.

(5) Make an adult diaper cake as a centerpiece. Put products in it like a can prunes, some Exlax, Pepto-Bismol and Beano.

(6) Hang a poster for guests to sign that has the title “Advantages of Growing Older.” Be the first to sign it with “I can laugh, cough, sneeze and pee all at the same time.”

Let us know how it goes! MUAH!

Driving Ditz

by Tonia 

“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'" - Tommy Cooper

I hate driving. Mostly because I’m a bad driver. Josh (son) told me he was nominating me for the Bad Drivers Hall of Fame. Rachel (daughter) asked if my car had life insurance. Ugh. Remind me again - WHY did I have children?

I don’t MEAN to be a bad driver. It’s just that I like to multi-task. Changing clothes and redoing my make-up while driving saves me time. And aren’t red lights for responding to texts and checking Facebook? Hellloooo! What else are you supposed to do while you're waiting?

And it doesn’t help that my city streets are full of pot holes and road construction. I constantly have to make sudden psychotic swerves like some kind of friggin’ crack-using slalom driver. My dog needs a seat belt!

And, while I’m complaining, I HATE it when I’m ready to run a yellow light and the damn person in front of me chickens out. Grrrrrr….

My family loves to tell the story about when my mother and I were driving cross-country many years ago. I was at the wheel and she had been sleeping. She woke up, looked around and asked why the signs were all facing backwards. Not only was I driving on the wrong side of the interstate, it was a closed road. Holy shit. That lost us several hours.

My most recent driving incident involved a STOP sign. I guess STOP actually means four tires must stop rolling without the use of the sign itself. OOPS!

I’ve also had my share of speeding tickets. I LOVE it when hot uniformed troopers with handcuffs pull me over. But, unfortunately, too many of them have the personalities of bricks (though that isn't fair to bricks). They just keep giving me their autographs and nothing more up close and personal.

But at least I haven’t ended up in parade like one of my girlfriends. She ignored a divert traffic sign and found herself between two floats. All she could do was stay in line and wave. 

For your next girlfriends’ get together consider brainstorming a list of great excuses to use when/if you ever get pulled over. Make copies for everyone to keep in their glove compartments - fun AND useful!

Fire in the Hole!

By Anna

"You know you're a redneck if you take your car keys and dig your ear wax out ya ears." – some Redneck somewhere

I'm only 32 years old but I’m pretty sure I have the hearing of an 82 year old. I noticed the funky ear problems in my 20s. First the ringing of the ears, then the ongoing battle with swimmers ear, then a diagnosis of "ear eczema" – otherwise known as Dry Flaky Itchy Ear Syndrome.

And then the small problem that I just CAN’T FUCKING HEAR! While the upside is that I no longer hear people talking behind my back and can stay in hotels on major airport flight paths, the downside is that I have to compensate. About 2% of the time I tell people I can't hear them; 3% of the time I try to move closer; and 95% of the time I just laugh and hope to God the person didn't ask a question.

I try to take good care of my ears. I clean them gently, I avoid getting my drums wet and I even use my prescription. But I also have too much ear wax. Turns out my body manufactures all kinds of things I don’t need – zits, farts, fat, ear wax…..

I’ve always wondered about ear candles. Do they work? Does it hurt? Do I need fire insurance? If I try them, will my mother be reading about my demise in the newspaper the next day: YOUNG WOMAN KILLED IN EAR BLAZE?

So I questioned one of my girlfriends about them and she booked me an appointment on her couch the very next day. She supplied the candles and I brought the tacos (NOTE TO SELF: in the future do ear cleaning BETWEEN meals). If you’ve never heard of this technique, an ear candle is put into the ear and lit with a match by a second person. The flame creates a vacuum that pulls the wax out of your ear.

So like the good patient I am, I nestled myself on her couch, head on pillow, fire extinguisher in hand. I squirmed and whimpered softly while she positioned the fire in my hole. About 10 minutes later we rushed to the kitchen sink to inspect our findings. Oh yeah, really gross but SUPER cool stuff – especially for those of us who love all things disgusting….

But no - no hearing improvement, just clean ears.

I'll be making my next ear appointment with Clear Tone. Thanks anyway, Beth!

Invite 4 of your besties over on a hot summer day & throw an earwax party.
And serve these:

Frozen Earwax

1/4 (12fl oz) can frozen lemonade concentrate
1/4 (6oz) can frozen OJ concentrate
1/2 cup strong brewed black tea
1/4 cup sugar
1/2 cup whiskey
1 3/4 cup water
1/4 liter chilled ginger ale soda
1/2 lemon cut into wedges

In a large container combine lemonade, OJ, tea, sugar, whisky & water. Mix well & freeze for 24 hrs.

Scoop into a tall glass, 3/4 full, & pour chilled ginger ale to fill glass. Stir & garnish with lemon wedge.

Serves 5