Pole in the Hole

By Tonia

I have an outdoor party at my house each June where we participate in various “Olympic Events.” Always looking for new ideas, one of my girlfriends sent me this link to a game called Pole in the Hole. We played it and loved it. Give it a try! It’s pee-your-pants hysterical. Click here

What you need:

Two toilet bowl plungers

Two rolls of toilet paper

Directions:

Stand two people at one end of a playing area. Have each of them hold a roll of toilet paper between their legs - somewhere between their knees and their crotch - with the hole facing out so everyone can see it.

At the other end of the playing area (opposite the two players described above) put the rest of the players in two lines (creating “teams”). The two people in the front of the lines place the toilet bowl plungers between their legs - somewhere between their knees and crotch – so that the pole sticks out in the front of their bodies.

Someone shouts, “GO!”

The players with the plungers then move as fast as they can to get to the player at the other end of the playing area with the toilet paper rolls. They must do this without losing the plunger. When the plunger holders get to the toilet paper holders, they must stick the pole (of the plunger) in the hole (of the toilet paper roll), without using their hands.

When this has been successfully accomplished, players exchange equipment (toilet paper roll holders take the plunger and the plunger holders take the toilet paper rolls); former plunger holders now place the toilet paper rolls between their legs and former toilet paper roll holders take the plungers and run back to their lines where they hand off the plungers to the people who are at the front of the lines.

These new plunger holders now place the plungers between their legs and move as fast as they can to get to the player at the other end of the playing area with the toilet paper rolls. This continues until all players have had both a toilet paper roll and a plunger between their legs. The first team to successfully accomplish this wins.

HINT: Players will be more successful if they are careful not to squish the toilet paper roll between their legs as this will close the hole and make it more difficult for plunger holders to get their poles in the holes.

Do You Drive a Garbage Truck?

By Rachel

I've divided moms into two categories: those driving clean cars and those driving garbage trucks disguised as family vehicles. I've always prided myself as one of the former. When my car broke down recently I had to hitch a ride with a friend. It was then that I discovered the "other side."

When I got into my friend's car she said, "Sorry about the car being a mess, but you know how it is when you have kids." Really? Your 5 year old left his empty Starbucks cups, gas receipts, old lipsticks and Men are From Mars and Women are From Venus book in your car? Peculiar kid. And I thought mine were a little strange....

As we drove I was met with several unusual scents. Mostly the smell of rotting banana peels, curdled milk and dirty diapers. Looked for an oxygen mask but had to settle for cracking my window. Didn't want to add vomit to the mix of aromas.

I was glad when we got to my house and I could escape the Stench Mobile. However, it was kind of fun seeing what kind of souvenirs stuck to our asses when we got out of her car. Note to self: give her a dust buster for her next birthday or a gift certificate to a car wash.

The whole experience got me thinking that it would be fun to have a smell-good girlfriends' party. Ask your girlfriends to bring homemade items that smell good (candles, drawer sachets, etc.) and exchange recipes. I've included a great recipe for a homemade air freshener below.

Air Freshener

1/2 cup lemon juice

1/8 cup baking soda

2 cups hot water

Heat water on stovetop or in the microwave. Find your manual if you don't know how to work either appliance. Dissolve the baking soda in hot water and then add the lemon juice. You can use either reconstituted lemon juice (kind you buy at the store in a yellow shaped bottle) or real lemon. Place the mixture in a spray bottle and spray the stench away!

Butt……

By Tonia

Recently, while walking up two flights of stairs in a glass enclosed stairwell, my wrap-around skirt suddenly (and without warning!) dove for the floor, leaving my ass hanging out. I simultaneously lost my mind and became paralyzed. Couldn’t. Bend. Down. To. Pick. It. Up. I stood there frozen for days (OK, maybe not quite that long). I thought maybe no one had seen me - until the next day when someone in the building across the grounds asked me if I had been in the stairway. Damn.

Butts have made a big turn around. Seriously. We used to worry that our butts looked too big. Now big butts are in - both physically and linguistically. Booty. Fanny. Ass. Tush. Heinie. Rump. Buttocks. Can.Bottom. Buns. Cheeks. Posterior. Derriere. And butt expressions: Worked my butt off. Butt of a joke. Bust your butt. Butt crack of dawn. Move your ass. Dumbass. Pain in the ass.

Maybe our butt admiration shows an acceptance of diversity - and normality. Thanks to J.Lo and other beautiful, full bodied women, maybe we are moving past some of our anxiety around body fat. Could it be true??

But, just for the record, I totally missed this one. Had a big butt when I was supposed to have a little butt - and now I have a flat, sagging butt when round butts are in. Go figure. Butt….I appreciate how my butt is always behind me in everything I do! *eye roll*

So, if you are wanting to have a Kick Ass Party, here are some ideas:

(1) Hang a poster that reads, “If my butt had a name it would be.....” and ask guest to sign it.

(2) Hang a toilet seat and ask guests to write sweet messages to their butts on it

(3) As one of the refreshments, mold pudding into a butt.

I KNOW you want to have this party butt…..

Birth Control Patrol

By Tonia

“By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.” – Phyllis Diller

For centuries women everywhere have been trying to keep babies from getting on board. Some women use the No Penis method of birth control (not much fun). Others use the Get-that-Penis-out-of-Me-RIGHT-NOW method (not always effective). Still others use Sperm Bouncers. As women, we are all too familiar with these Sperm Bouncers – the spermicide, the diaphram, the pill, the patch, the shot, the condom, and the vaginal ring, to name a few. Personally, I think it makes more sense to take the bullets out of the gun instead of wearing a bullet proof vest but I digress….

To celebrate women’s shared pregnancy prevention vexation, here is a game for your girlfriends’ get-together that we call Birth Control Patrol.

Birth Control Patrol Relay:

Prior to the game, decide how many participants you want – we suggest four-six women. For each participant, make sure you have

One small bottle of small candies such as jelly

   beans or Skittles® (the pill),

A pink or red piece of cardboard (or construction

   paper) cut into the shape of a vagina,

A can of shaving cream (spermicide),

A plastic disposable cup (a diaphragm),

A condom (a condom),

A banana (stand-in for male anatomy),

A candle (spiritual symbol),

A set of matches (to light it up)

Set up four tables. One with the bottles of candy; one with the cardboard vaginas, shaving cream and plastic disposable cups; one with the condoms and bananas; one with the candles and matches.

Line up participants and direct them to perform the following tasks when you say, “GO!” 

(1) go to the table with the bottles of candy and eat all the candies (can’t leave until they’ve swallowed),

(2) go to the table with the cardboard vaginas, shaving cream and plastic disposable cups and spray one of the vaginas with the shaving cream and put one of the circle “diaphragms” on top of the shaving cream,

(3) go to the table with the condoms and bananas and put a condom ON a banana,

(4) go to the table with the candles and matches and light a candle, kneel down and pray, “Please, please, please don’t let me be pregnant!”

(5) return to the starting point.

The first one to make it back does NOT win a baby. And, baby, that is reward enough!

Oh, if you really want to have a baby, go ahead, I guess. Just take good care of it.

Dog Gone It

By Anna

Bark, bark, bark.

Bark, bark, BARK! All day. All night. Its cruel and unusual punishment.

When the federal government tried to break down the Branch Davidians in Waco, Texas, they bombarded them with the sounds of animals in distress. Have I offended the Feds? Are they in the neighborhood? OK, I surrender! 

Neither my noise maker's loudest volume or my deepest meditative state can drown out the screeching obnoxious bark of that dog. Before I remembered that I'm 30 years old now and shouldn't act immaturely I had fantasies of...

...barking out the window all night

...duct taping the dog’s mouth shut

...toilet papering the house and throwing some rolls to the dog to chew up

But I maturely (are you reading this, Mom?) decided to simply write a letter from the dog to its owner. Here it is:

Dear Master,

For the love of God, man, I’m old, senile & neglected...bark bark...please let me in when it’s cold. Please let me in in the middle of the night. Bark! If you're having sex with some bitch...I mean, woman, I promise I'll leave you alone. 

Our neighbors now hate us...bark bark...Some of them have even tried to let me out of the yard so I would get picked up by canine control. Is that what you want?? To see me in prison?...bark bark...When I bark it's for a reason, you know. Have you heard of the Dog Whisperer? He could explain it to you...bark bark bark...If this persists...BARK...I’m afraid that one of the neighbors is going to put a contract out on me. Pleeeeaaaase pay some attention to me! And, for God’s sakes, LET ME IN!

Your soon to be BARKING ex-best friend,

___________________(dog's name)

A girlfriends’ party idea is to get together and help each other write <humorous> letters to people who have gotten on your last nerve. You know, the company phone call that leaves you on hold for 45 minutes, the hairdresser that totally cut your hair the way you asked her NOT to, the pharmaceutical company that didn’t warn you about smelly urine as a side effect, etc. And while you all are writing and laughing, fix yourself a cocktail. We call it the Letter-writing Dog-Gone Cocktail.

Dog-Gone Cocktail

Stir in mixing glass with ice & strain:

1 oz gin

3/4 oz dry vermouth

3/4 oz sweet vermouth

2 dashes calisay

Add a cherry

Serve in a cocktail glass

Give Me All Your Eggs and No One Will Get Hurt

By Anna

“The grass is always greener in someone else's basket.”

I have a confession to make. I hunted eggs Easter week-end. Its true. A 30 year old grown woman running around the yard like her ass was on fire – just to collect plastic eggs. And I do this every year with my siblings. My mother gets some kind of sadistic delight in watching us push and shove each other - grabbing as many of those little fuckers as we can. Why do we humiliate ourselves in this way? Well, there’s money involved.

Weeks before the holiday we call each other and start trash-talkin’ about the loser who is going to find the egg with all the pennies. (My maniacal mother thinks it’s hilarious to put 100 pennies in one egg…. SURELY I was adopted.) We brag about our egg-hunting prowess and how we’ve been getting into shape for the big Hunt. We get our best running shoes ready. It’s ugly.

And we steal out of each other’s baskets. Well, it’s not exactly stealing. We simply trade an egg with crappy candy in it for one with money in it ….. when the owner of the basket isn’t looking. Over the years I’ve gotten really good at this. But my sister has a new secret weapon – her kids. After their hunt, she bribes them into distracting my brother and me so she can get an advantage. Egg-hogging bitch.

So all the egg-hunting frenzy this year got me to thinking about how women are always hunting for something – bargains, shoes, partners, the perfect purse, a more powerful vibrator…..

Why not have a girlfriends’ hunt? Create diva boxes with fun “prizes” and send your girlfriends ahuntin’! Use women-honoring affirmations or recycled jewelry or candy or anything worth hunting for. Have a fabulous time .… and try to be nice!

No Break From Spring Break

By Rachel

MY spring break (unlike the KID'S spring break) included scrubbing crayon and marker drawings from my walls, settling disputes over who touched who first, and an emergency trip to the vet (dog hit in the eye during an unsupervised indoor golf game). Even our favorite stores put "No kids allowed" signs in their windows. To save my house and pets from further mayhem, I called a girlfriend to go to the Arboretum. It was a beautiful day and I was looking forward to seeing the spring flowers. Here is a summary of our adventures.....

The drive took a while but you would have thought we had driven for 40 days and 40 nights instead of 40 minutes. I pretended not to see them trample a bed of flowers when they got out of the car. As I surveyed the beautiful scenery, my son ran up to me with a bouquet of stolen flowers......roots and all. How does he get away so fast??

At the fountain the kids wanted to throw in some change so I dumped my purse on the lawn looking for some. Found my missing credit card that I had reported stolen (OOPS!), my husband's missing car keys (OOPS again!) and a reflex checker from the pediatrician's office. I guess my 3 year old put it in my purse when he was getting a check-up. Now I have to make another appointment to slip it back.....

As my girlfriend and I were enjoying the fresh air and horticulture and chatting about how neither of us can even grow a cactus, I suddenly heard a man yelling. I looked up - our kids were IN the fountain picking UP coins! I guess they ran out of money. The only thing left to do was take them home to spend quality time with their father while I made my favorite drink (recipe below) and locked myself in the bathroom to get some alone time.

This drink would be fabulous in a drink fountain for your next girlfriends' get-together!

Sangria Punch
1 orange
1 lime
1 lemon
1 cup orange juice
1/2 cup white sugar
1 - 1/2 cups rum
3/4 liter bottle dry red wine (drink the other 1/4 while you are making this drink)

Freeze the orange juice into ice cubes (this will help keep your drinks cold without diluting them). Chill the wine, fruit and rum.

Slice the orange, lime and lemon into thin, round slices and place in a large pitcher. Add the rum and sugar. Chill for 2 hours to allow flavors to cultivate.

To serve, crush the fruit lightly with a spoon and stir in the wine. Add the orange juice cubes. Serve in your favorite drink fountain or pitcher. Enjoy!

Dumped by My Gynecologist

By Tonia

My gynecologist recently broke up with me. Got the Dear Jane letter. I could hear Hit the Road, Jack in the background. She said it wasn’t me – it was her, “I have made a decision to conclude my practice and take my career in a different direction. It has been a privilege to be your physician.” WTF? I know what to do when a lover breaks it off - simply destroy the remote control. But this…. 

When I think of her I am flooded with memories - of butcher paper and latex gloves; of stur-ups and refrigerated metal devices; of boob massages and backless gowns. **Tearing up** Sometimes I can still hear her voice, “Scoot down, scoot down. Just a little more.” 

I’m left with so many questions. Was she in some kind of a pickle? Did she have vagina burn-out? Did she go over to the dark side - of scrotum? Did she leave the little stool on wheels to become hell on wheels? 

All of this left me inspired to create a break-up party. If one of your girlfriends has recently ended a relationship, support her by having a He Stinks or She Stinks party (depending on her orientation!). Print off the Dear John/Dear Jane “letter” below and have her check off the answers that best apply. Then make blank copies for all your guests and ask them to check off the answers that they THINK the guest of honor has selected. The person with the greatest number of correct responses wins the ex! HA!!

Dear _______ :

Well, it was good while it lasted, but now _______ 

___ the county health department wants your phone number.
___ I need to go have some good sex.
___ I must go fumigate my bed.

___ I need to go find my jewelry that you hocked.

I no longer feel the need to _______

___ fall for partners who won’t catch me.

___ pretend to have a headache.

___ pretend to have an orgasm.

___ embrace all that is bad for me.

In fact, I’d rather _______ than be with you.

___ change my sexual orientation

___ use a prickly dildo

___ stick myself in the eye with an ice pick

___ have my whole body waxed

I like myself too much to ______

___ stay and watch the flame of love get torched.

___ stay and continue to have nightmares about sex with you.

___ pay for another date with you.

___ see you naked again.

But call me if you ever need ______

___ a pallbearer.

___ someone to pack your parachute before you go ski diving.

___ someone to slap some sense into you.

___ a ride to the asylum.

Sincerely glad to not be yours,
(signature)

Celebrate Me Because I’m Hot, Single and Fabulous!

By Anna

"I don't have a baby. Everyone drink!" – Samantha, from Sex in the City

I’ve been to more bridal and baby showers than Lindsey Lohan has relapsed. I figure with the money I’ve spent buying gifts, decorations, drinks, food, sex toys & cab fares, I could have bought myself a new Range Rover. Seen too many women wrapped in toilet paper bridal gowns; seen too many brides-to-be miss all the questions about their fiancées; seen too many candy bars and baby food in diapers. It makes me wonder, why don’t men host these things? What is it about having tits that makes hosting and attending showers MANdatory?

I HAVE attended a few memorable showers:

(1) A drinking game at a baby shower based on when anyone said “Awwww…” at a gift. Prissy office girl got plastered out of her mind and told us more information about her sex life than any of us cared to know. Said she had developed a closet pot smoking habit to try to cope. TMI!!

(2) Showing porn at a bridal shower. The bride-to-be seemed shocked - but was secretly taking notes on a napkin in her purse. New hubby should have sent us a thank-you note!

(3) A trick on the bachelorette. After she irritatingly kept calling her fiancé all night during her bachelorette party, a friend stole her phone, changed the fiancé’s number to her number, and reset the voicemail telling her she was no longer allowed to call her sweetie. The expression on that bachelorette’s face the next time she tried to call was priceless.

I love my girlfriends and I love girlfriend get-togethers, but why do I have to get married or have a baby to be the guest of honor at a freakin’ shower?! I’ve graduated from college, gotten promotions, and even gotten engaged…euh, twice. I want a shower! We could call it the FOREVER Bachelorette Party – or the Create a New Love Nest Shower.

I want to pick my colors, invitations and venue. I want balloons, a cake, chips, dips and all that crap. I want to register at Pier 1 and Condom Sense for an upgrade in ambience and preparedness. 

So, a fabulous excuse for a girlfriend get-together is a shower all about ME…. .or you. Celebrate with Cosmos and bring that sexy back! You could create a personalized scavenger hunt or pub crawl. Tell all the bartenders you’re celebrating being hot, single and fabulous! Now give me my free drink!

All About ME Tini (aka Cosmo)

1 oz. freshly squeezed lemon juice                       

1 oz. cranberry juice

1 oz. Cointreau

2 oz. Vodka

In cocktail shaker add all ingredients. Top with ice cubes. Shake like Mr. Big is watching you. Strain into chilled martini glass. Garnish, if you like, with lemon slice on rim of glass. 

Here’s the Dirt

By Tonia

I love to garden. I sometimes garden in the dark by flashlight. Hell, I’ve even been known to pull weeds and deadhead marigolds at the fast food drive-through. Gotta’ love an activity where you don't have to shower or comb your hair to show up. I only have to slap on the SPF 1,200 sunscreen so my age spots don’t look like age stamps.

I grow lots of hostas because I have mostly shade (which is great for my outdoor parties). There are a bazillion different kinds. I like the ones that remind me of…uh…other pleasures – the Big Kahuna, Little Stiffy, Get Nekkid, Nooner, Striptease, Feather Boa and Risky Business.

But I do have some gardening handicaps – mainly 2 Siberian Huskies. When I plant, I see them watching with evil anticipation. “Can I pee on this? Chew on it? Dig it up?” Damn canines. I did learn a little gardening trick, though, to keep them off – put their feces on the area. They won’t go near it. After years earning a PhD, I’m now a dog shit hunter and mover.

But what does all this have to do with women’s parties? Well, a great way to indulge in two pleasures (not the one alluded to with the hostas) is to get together with your gardening girlfriends and swap clippings and/or seeds from your garden. Girlfriend fun AND stuff for the garden!

A cute refreshment/table decoration to serve is Potted Carrots.

Ingredients:

Hummus

Baby carrots

Curly parsley

Supplies:

3 oz cups

Mini terra cotta pots

Directions:

Spoon 3 tablespoons of hummus into each paper cup

Poke a hole in the top of each carrot and place a sprig of parsley into each hole

Then “plant” 3-4 carrots in the hummus.

Put the cups in the mini terra-cotta pots and enjoy!

Will Work (out) for Childcare

By Rachel

I am a tax season widow – hubby is a CPA. The other morning I caught a glimpse of him and almost called the police. I thought a stranger had broken into the house! 

So guess who wrestles with the kids 24/7 these days? Moi. I wanted to duct tape them both to the wall when I found out the gym has free childcare. OMG….FREE childcare! I hadn’t worked out in 10 years but, hey, it was FREE childcare! So I dug out some old work out clothes and headed off for the gym..... 

MONDAY

I felt a little dated with my neon pink leotard, matching tights and scrunchie. Guess the kids were embarrassed by my attire because they acted like they didn’t know me when I picked them up. They kept screaming something like “Stranger danger!” Brats! Had to go shopping for new workout clothes.

TUESDAY

I felt sexy in my new workout clothes and decided to try the Spinning class. Sweating like a nun in a field of cucumbers and praying for the end of class, I heard the instructor announce the end of warm up and to turn the resistance knobs on our bikes. I promptly fell off the two-wheeled devil-machine (bike) and had a herd of anorexic-wanna-be-fitness instructors ask if I was OK. I decided it was safer to go lift free weights.

WEDNESDAY

I woke up and couldn’t move my arms - had to carefully roll myself out of bed. I told the kids to just eat out of the ‘frig because I couldn’t reach for bowls. I considered brushing my teeth by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I decided to take it easy and walk the indoor track at the gym. The man in a back-brace made better time than I did.

THURSDAY

I woke up and every part of my body hurt. My kids thought it was funny to poke me and hear me scream. I had to take them back to the free childcare so they would leave me alone. But this time I hid out in the locker room to read a book. I avoided the evil glare of the front desk lady who came in every 10 minutes to see if I was still hiding out.

FRIDAY

I decided to stay home, let the kids run amuck and reward myself with one of my favorite desserts. These would be perfect for your Friday night girlfriends’ get together. Lots of calories to reward yourself with!

Chocolate Covered Oreos

12 oz bag Ghiridelli Semi-Sweet Chocolate Chips

12 oz bag peanut butter chips

1 package of Oreos

12 oz bag of white chocolate chips (for piping, if desired)

Sprinkles or other decorations if desired

In a double broiler, melt the chocolate and peanut butter chips. Stir until creamy. Dip Oreo into mixture and set on wax paper until firm. If you want to decorate with white chocolate chips, melt the white chocolate chips and add to piping bag or freezer bag with small hole in the end for easy decorating. Enjoy!!

Note: Sprinkles or other decorations must be added before the chocolate hardens.