The Hampered Hamster

By Rachel

“My god! It’s a hamster with explosives taped around its waist!” – Colin Mochrie

We moved into a new house this summer. No one warned me about pet adjustment. The dog wouldn’t leave the friggin' area rug for the first two days – like it was some giant security blanket. We had to bring her food and water and put it ON the rug - AND had to CARRY her outside to do her business. For the love of God…

And then there was the hamster. It’s just a rodent, right? Well, this little rodent has a mind of her own.  Even under normal circumstances she doesn't like anyone messing with her nest. She stands on her hind legs and curses after I clean her cage (sounds like squeaking to the untrained ear). Like all of the animals in our house (and a few of the humans *ahem*) she is neurotic as hell.

So, when we moved, she turned escape artist. We found her on the stairs and in the game room - but always fairly quickly after her escape. One time, however, she was gone for two days. My daughter was devastated; cried for hours. I made an elaborate plan to buy a replacement hamster and pass it off as “Fluffy.” But, before I had to take a picture of Fluffy to all the pet stores in town, my husband found her!

She had started a new life for herself in the laundry room. She’d been stealing dog food from the dog dish and stockpiling it. Seems she had turned survivalist. I think I saw some camouflage and Lego weapons in her camp as well. We’ve now added an alarm system and a barbed wire fence to the hamster cage to prevent future escapes.  

And I gotta’ have a talk with the dog. Not sure if she let the hamster bully her out of her lunch – or if she was just too damn lazy to get up and do anything about it. I’m suddenly not feeling too safe with this “watch dog.”

But, in celebration of finding Fluffy, I made our favorite peanut butter cookies! These are simple to make and are always a big hit at parties! I know your girlfriends will love them!

Peanut Butter Cookies

1 cup peanut butter

1 cup sugar

1/2 tsp vanilla

1 egg 

   

Mix all of the ingredients together in a bowl (or dog dish - whatever). Roll dough into 1 inch balls and use a fork to flatten them on a cookie sheet. Bake at 350 degrees for 6-8 minutes or until golden brown. Freeze some if you're into that stockpiling thing!

Tell us YOUR pet stories!

Fifty Shades of Ruined

by Tonia

 “You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life.” – Elmo Phillips

If you haven’t heard about Fifty Shades of Grey you’re obviously living in some kind of cave on the top of Mt. Everest. It sold 10 million copies in six weeks and has replaced the Gideon Bible on the bedside tables in one British hotel. Bet THAT’S an interesting devotional for unsuspecting guests!

Obviously I had to read it. I knew the blog would want my review. Oh, the sacrifices I make!

It’s a story about a wealthy businessman, Christian Grey, and his kinky sexual practices in BDSM (Bondage Discipline Sadism Masochism) with the lovely Anatasia Steele who starts out as a virgin. Now, let me say that Anatasia struggles some with the role of a Submissive and, while she never states this, I could easily hear her say, “I don’t like being told what to do …… unless I’m naked.” Which sorta’ makes sense to me.

The book is poorly written and Anatasia’s conflict with her ‘inner goddess’ and ‘unconscious’ got on my nerves, but the sex scenes were hot and I needed my vibrator more than a couple times. I think Saturday Night Live did the best job showing the results of women's response to the book, though. Click here for their skit.

Earlier this year the New York Post reported a huge jump in rope sales in hardware stores - especially to women - after the release of Fifty Shades of Grey. Hmmmm. I guess after women asked clerks to show them the ropes, THEY showed the ropes to some happy partners!

Personally, now that I’ve read it, I’m ruined. If someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to, I can never again say, “Beats me.” When I watch CNN and hear about Wall Street – you know, stocks and bonds – I imagine brokers in various restraints. And a report about the House Whip has me seeing Representatives getting spanked (hey, maybe that would help politics!).

OMG, and if I walk into a pet store, I completely miss the dog food and only notice all the collars and leashes! And, I want to know, are “submissive wives” really just into kink?

And a new dilemma for me is my skin care regime. I now have to be concerned about the skin on my ass as well as the skin on my face. It exhausts me. Someone PLEASE give me a safeword to protect me from myself! Put it in the comments below.

And, for your next girlfriend’s get-together consider having a Food Porn Party and ask your girlfriends to bring their most decadent desserts! Here’s one of our decadent recipes:

Chocolate Raspberry Jello Shot

You'll need:

Mini candy cup mold

Ingredients:

1 cup vodka (plain, vanilla, Pinacle Whipped, etc.)

1 - 3 oz. box raspberry Jello

1 bag chocolate candy melts

1. Follow the instructions on the mini candy cup mold by using dark chocolate. Put them in the freezer for about 5 minutes to help them harden.

2. Bring one cup water to a boil and add jello. After powdered jello is dissolved, let it sit until just warm.

3. Add one cup vodka to liquid jello mix.

4. Remove your chocolate bowls from the freezer. Pour the jello mixture into the bowls

5. Refrigerate over night. Yummy!

“Kinky is when you use duck feathers in making love. Perverted is when you use the whole duck.” – Lewis Grizzard

Wrinkles, Waistlines, and Whiskers: Oh My!

by Tonia

"True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country." - Kurt Vonnegut
  

I’m getting ready to go to ... *ahem* ... my 40 year high school reunion in a few weeks. They say that inside every older person is a young person wondering what the hell happened. Yep, its true. Time may be a great healer, but it's a shitty beautician.

As a former hippie, I had hoped that going braless all those years would have pulled the wrinkles out of my face - but no such luck. I have sagging jowls…AND saggy boobs. I remember seeing some little wrinkles around my eyes at the 20 year reunion and thinking they were kinda’ cute. Now I’m buying shoes by the truckload so people will look at my feet instead of my face.

As for the weight gain, this is our 40 year class reunion - the Roman Numerals for 40 is XL. Aging and weight gain  seem to go together like a hand and glove - well, maybe a size twelve hand in a size two glove. Does anyone know where I can get a control-top turtleneck? But there ARE some benefits to the extra pounds. When my neighbors play music too loud, I dance naked in front of the window and they shut it off. Works like a charm. 

For the reunion, I’m thinking that due to our changing physiques and failing eyesight, we should wear sandwich boards instead of nametags. That would prevent me from having to put on my glasses every time I wanted to see the person's name who I'm talking to.  

So I guess I’m going to the reunion. I’ll put on my Spandex and slather on the dry skin lotion so I can drink legally with these former teenagers. Wish me luck!

And, in honor of “getting to know you again,” have a Girlfriend Bingo game at your next girlfriends’ get-together. Create a bingo card of secret characteristics or deeds of each girlfriend.  Make copies and pass the out with pens.  The goal is to find the girlfriends that match the description on the card and to write the names in the appropriate bingo card square.  If needed, a girlfriend can appear more than once on the card. BINGO!

(And be sure to post any suggestions that you have for me getting ready for the reunion!)

Puppy Porn

By Tonia

“I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees me peeing in his water bowl.” – Penny Ward Moser

I’ve recently entered a new level of madness - I adopted a puppy. In some ways puppies are better than children. You can put them on a leash; they don’t talk back; and neighbors don’t look at you with disdain when they pee on the front lawn.

BUT there are certain down sides. For example, despite all the money I have spent on puppy toys and treats ($1 is $7 in dog money), this puppy prefers toilet paper. At first he just grabbed the end and ran across the house. Now he can actually take the whole roll off the holder. Clever fellow. I’m thinking of renting him out to the next group of teenagers who are TPing the neighbor’s house.

And I want to know how the amount of food that comes out of one end of this puppy is so much larger than the amount that went in the other end. Honest to God, my new second job now is picking up puppy shit. And, while we’re on the topic of puppy potty behavior, why is it that puppies have to sniff every inch of the yard before deciding on just the right spot to pee? It’s not like world peace depends on this.

When I brought this Beagle-ish puppy home, several of my friends suggested names - Beast, Horndog, Hulk – but those were ruled out when the neighbor’s chihuahua chased him, tail tucked between his legs, back to our front door. Other ideas were Boozer, Fleabag, and, a very original one, Dog. I decided to keep the name the shelter gave him - Remington.

Puppy ownership is a lot of responsibility. One of the big sacrifices I’m having to make is being late to Happy Hour because I have to go home to let Remington out.

Puppy ownership is also exhausting. Cleaning up toilet paper and stepping over all the baby gates takes a lot of energy! No wonder I have no sex drive right now!

But I’ve learned some things from Remington that I think will help me with my love life IF my libido ever returns:

(1) Great kisses are wet and sloppy.

(2) A little biting can be satisfying.

(3) Putting my nose in a crotch is a good way to really get to know someone.

(4) Licking should be done freely and frequently.

(5) Doing a happy dance and wagging my whole body when I first see a loved one gets me warmed up.

(7) Pawing someone is both endearing AND irritating.

What does all this have to do with women’s parties? Hell if I know! But here is a good Salty Dog recipe:

Salty Dog

5 oz. grapefruit juice

1 1/2 oz vodka

1/4 tsp salt

Rim a highball glass with salt. Pour juice and vodka over ice cubes into the glass. Stir well and serve.

Celebrate the Shero in You

Estrofests is so excited to host guest blogger, Cela DeLaRosa. Cela is a freelance copywriter by day and grrrlfriends' party thrower extraordinaire by night. Check out her party idea here and her website below!

By Cela DeLaRosa

Notice how many kick-butt Snow White movies came out this year? And superhero movies? Well, last month pop culture collided with my monthly gal-pal party, turning Game Night into "Shero Night."

Capes were optional, so most party guests arrived in their secret-identity/alter-ego outfits (Diana Prince instead of Wonder Woman). We started out with a "name that shero" game, where the first one to correctly name all 15 heroic women pictured won a prize. (A cool-gel "super" mask -- great for soothing sinus headaches or putting out hot flashes.)

Then, we each had to answer 30 questions to determine "which superhero are you?" As we were working through the questions (see below), one of my friends quipped, "These questions are really about us, not superheroes, right?" I just laughed and we continued with the game.

While the players calculated their superhero scores, the room got quiet. Then, faster than a speeding bullet, it hit me. My friend was right -- my living room was full of heroic women. Cancer survivors, athletes, single mothers, special ed teachers, bionic women, community volunteers, spiritual leaders, pet rescuers, healers, mentors, caregivers, crusaders for social justice... and then some.

I truly have some awesome grrrlfriends -- super women in their own right! <insert super sigh here>

Now, back to the superhero scores: it turned out no one was Super Girl, but we had one Invisible Woman, several Bat Girls, a few Cat Women, and one Wonder Woman (our oldest party gal -- who knew?).

We continued celebrating our awesomeness with a contest of three heroic feats:

1. Bending steel with our bare hands (making mini-handcuffs out of twist ties).
2. Flying (a paper airplane made from the superhero questionnaire).
3. Blowing super-sized bubbles (with Super Bubble gum, of course!).

After awarding the last gel-mask prize, we adjourned to the kitchen for some epic refreshments. We had shero sandwiches (like hero sandwiches, but with more lettuce, pickles and greens) and a choice of super beverages: Isis Tea, Pink Power Ranger Punch, and Kryptonite (margaritas).

So, the next time you get together with your gal pals, see which superheroes show up to the party. Ask these 30 yes-or-no questions (but don’t reveal the points until all questions are answered):

1. Do you like to fly?
2. Do you like to wear a cape?
3. Are you very virtuous?
4. Do you hate the color green?
5. Are you obviously very strong?
6. Do you like long hair?
7. Are you extremely talented in only one area?
8. Do you like your younger brother?
9. Do you enjoy working behind the scenes?
10. Do you have lots of energy?
11. Do you like working on a team?
12. Are you a good mother?
13. Are you an intelligent geek?
14. Do you like riding motorcycles?
15. Do you admire police officers?
16. Do you enjoy going to the library?
17. Are you a hopeless romantic?
18. Do you like high-tech gadgets?
19. Do you like to wear leather?
20. Are you a flirt?
21. Do you have long fingernails?
22. Have you ever stolen anything?
23. Do you really like cats?
24. Are you good at gymnastics?
25. Do you have strong powers of persuasion?
26. Are you good with your hands?
27. Do you like wearing a pushup bra?
28. Do you have hidden strength?
29. Do you speak more than 1 language?
30. Are you a feminist?

Now for the points: all "No" answers are 0 points. "Yes" answers for questions 1-6 are worth 1 point each; 7-12 are 2 points each; 13-18 are 3 points each; 19-24 are 4 points each; 25-30 are 5 points each.

Ready for the big reveal?

Total scores of 17 or less are Super Girl.

Scores from 18 to 36 are Invisible Woman.

Scores from 37 to 53 are Bat Girl.

Scores from 54 to 72 are Cat Woman.

Scores from 73 to 90 are Wonder Woman.

You might be surprised how many sheroes are hiding behind a secret identity in your circle of friends!

Cela DeLaRosa is a freelance copywriter (www.wordstosellby.com) who is always looking for new party game ideas. She started hosting monthly game nights about 15 years ago to bring her grrrlfriends together in a cozy, conversational setting. In her home no topic is taboo, no one is expected to act her age, and no tipping is required. (Bonus: game nights also motivate her to thoroughly clean her house at least once a month.) She found out about Estrofests from her fun-loving and talented niece, Grace Ballard. Thanks, Gracey!

Fiasco on the Fourth

By Rachel

"You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand." - Jeff Foxworthy

I spent my first 4th of July in rural Texas this year. This meant we could legally shoot off flaming fire hazards – aka fireworks.

Now, I should tell you, fireworks are a BIG deal in Texas. There are fireworks stands on every street corner with signs that read:  “Buy one, get fifteen free!” 

My husband was thrilled. He and a friend went to get fireworks - not at a fireworks stand, mind you – a fireworks warehouse! I told him to purchase Ground Bloom Flowers, Killer Bees and Sparklers (all with low damage potential). He came home with Lucky Space Rockets, Multi-colored Bombshells, Thunder Mountains, Pyro Pulverizers and a Pyrotechnic Motherlode. His car was packed.

ME: “Are you planning on blowing up the whole damn neighborhood?”

HIM: “No. The guy at the store said people really like these.”

ME: “And people really like to put cherry bombs down toilets, too, but that doesn’t mean it’s a good idea.”

HIM: “I couldn’t get the things on your puny list when everyone else had all kinds of cool rockets and bombshells. It would have been embarrassing.”

ME: “Well, don't be looking for fireworks with me later!” 

At dusk, our neighbors began shooting off an impressive display of fireworks. My husband grabbed his gear. The kids and I ran to the other side of the street. Hubby shot his first rocket right into the gutter and caught the gutter debris on fire. He looked for his fire extinguisher and realized he had forgotten it. Shock and horror filled the faces of the adults. “Cool! Do that AGAIN!” shouted the kids. We all began throwing cups of water into the gutter and were able to extinguish the fire before the fire department had to be called. Next year I’m going to my mother’s.

And the next time you have an outdoor party and need to cool things down a bit, serve these wonderful yogurt popsicles!

Strawberry and Banana Yogurt Popsicles

1 cup of sliced strawberries

1 cup of mashed bananas

2 cups of vanilla yogurt

Puree the strawberries, bananas and yogurt in a food processor (or blender). Pour into ice cream molds or you can use Dixie cups with popsicle sticks. Freeze for 5 hours. Enjoy! 

Seeing Red

by Anna

After moving my mother 4 times in 1 year (due to minor disasters like divorce and an apartment fire), we finally moved her into a cute, comfy house of her own in May. But, of course, Mom spends her summers in Santa Fe, so she basically just dropped off all her shit and ran for the hills…..or high desert. While she is away on her "sabbatical," I'm to tend the lawn, water the flowers, check the mail, AND paint the bathroom….. 

The bathroom. Mom chooses RED, electric RED, to go over the former owner’s newly painted brown bathroom. She buys "primer paint" which supposedly allows you to skip a step in the whole painting process. Fail. Fail. FAIL. This bitch red has taken not 1, not 2, not 3, but 4 coats of paint. I'm wearing more red to work now...I've even painted my nails 80s Slut Red! I may be feeling blue, but I’m seeing red….

And, I want you to know that this is the smallest bathroom known to womankind with all kinds of little partial walls and nooks and crannies. I have become quite the contortionist. I was holding my own unique yoga poses for over 20 minutes at a time. (There will be NO pictures!)

So have your girlfriends over and have yourself a free style yoga party! It's good for your mind and good for your muscles.

And, after a few of these drinks, you'll soon know who the most flexible woman of your group is. Hire her to paint all of your small, hard to reach places cuz I’m on my way to the chiropractor.....

Red Spicy Bitch 

1 part pepper vodka 

2 parts V8

Combine into shaker with half ice, shake and poor into martini glass. Oh, yea, and drink….

Words of Wisdom from the Aging

by Tonia
   

“Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.” - Bob Monkhouse

I recently had a birthday. I realize that having birthdays is better than the alternative but, for God’s sake, it seems like they’re coming every other week now! I’m definitely getting older sooner than I expected.

I’m actually an official AARP member now. It gets me some discounts, but not for anything cool like Botox, pole-dancing lessons, drinks at the bar, or sex toys. I’m kinda’ at that awkward age: old enough to know better but young enough to want to do it.

Since I’ve been around a few years, I’d like to pass on some words of wisdom to the younger readers. You know, things I’ve learned in life. (Pay attention, RACHEL and ANNA!):

**I’ve learned that being with family is better than being in an automobile accident.

**I’ve learned that collagen loss never goes into remission.

**I’ve learned that any recipe can be improved if you add a bottle of wine to it.

**I’ve learned that "Stop, Drop, and Roll" is not only an effective fire safety technique, it’s a great way to get out of a boring conversation.

**I’ve learned that after having my way with a bowl of Haagen Daz ice cream, I no longer want to have sex – AND no one wants to have sex with me.

**I’ve learned that no matter how neatly I put away Christmas lights, they will be tangled the next year when I take them out.

**I’ve learned that the cuter the shoes, the more they hurt my feet – often only getting me from the parking lot to my office where I have to stay seated all day.

**I’ve learned that house-cleaning is like bad sex – it goes on too long and I’m not nearly satisfied.

**I’ve learned that paying my taxes with a smile is not enough – they want money.

For your next girlfriends get-together, ask everyone to bring several of their “What I’ve learned in life” nuggets of wisdom on index cards. Hang these on some kind of small tree or tree branch as part of your decorations. (And you can practice on us by giving us YOUR nuggets of wisdom in the comments below.)

If you’ve got a chronologically gifted group, pass out the following list of names for cocktails. Ask each guest to select a name and make up a cocktail recipe for it. If you have enough ingredients, you could set them out and have each of your guests MAKE their cocktail and engage in taste-testing! Be sure to call cabs when you’re done!

Viva Viagra

Aching Joints

Behind the Times

Flaming Pharmaceutical

Social Security Setback

Ben Gay 

Corpse Reviver

Hormone Replacement Therapy

"Don’t let aging get you down. It’s too hard to get back up." - John Wagner