The Toilet Paper Capers

By Tonia

Until recently Anna and my sister were both living with me. Three women and one bathroom. While this arrangement had many hilarious moments, today’s blog is about toilet paper.

I had no idea how much toilet paper three women could use. We were rippin’ through a roll a day. As a person interested in research I wanted to know if this was average usage or if we were abusing our toilet paper rights. I wanted to get to the “bottom” of it. Turns out, it takes 71 separate visits to completely use a roll of toilet paper. We were either frequent flyers to the bathroom or we were wadding up massive amounts of TP looking like the Michelin Tire guy to avoid the possibility of a little pee-pee on the hand-hand.

I became frantic about not running out of toilet paper so I began stock-piling it. I couldn't bare the idea of having to drip-dry. When I removed the towels from the bathroom cabinet to make room for more rolls, my sister and Anna did an intervention on me. I’m now in a 12-step program, Over-TP-Buyers Anonymous. I was powerless......

But not all toilet paper is created equal. You’ve got your double rolls, triple rolls, and even Mega rolls. There’s one-ply, two-ply and three-ply. So hard to decide! And then there’s “special” toilet paper. There’s holiday toilet paper, $100 bill toilet paper, Sudoku toilet paper, “Shit Happens” toilet paper, camouflage toilet paper, the “No job is finished until the paperwork is done” toilet paper and, for those wanting to learn a new skill, origami toilet paper.

I recently read about author Koji Suzuki who had his nine-chapter novella “Drop” printed on toilet paper. But I’m confused. What if my sister has to pee and I miss that section of the story? Grrrrr……..

Further research led me to another important finding. When it comes to toilet paper, men tend to be folders and women tend to be wadders. Not sure what that shit is about. Any hypotheses?

Then, of course, no blog about toilet paper would be complete without addressing the Great Over vs Under debate. The advantage of OVER is less chance of scraping the wall with your knuckles thereby avoiding germs; the advantage of UNDER is less chance of unraveling by pets and small children. Personally, I’m just glad to have toilet paper at all. And, don't tell my sister or Anna, but I have some hidden under my bed!

For your next girlfriends’ get-together consider creating a toilet paper fashion show/competition. Or simply sneak out like teenagers and go tee-peeing. I may have done the latter once or twice….recently.

Cocktober

WARNING: this blog post contains adult content which some may find offensive. It was submitted by a guest blogger and, while bawdier than most of our posts, we took it in good fun. We hope you will too. 

by Sparkles Stonybrook

We all know about December. And Christmas. A day for all the "nice" boys and girls in red and green sweaters with Amazon gift cards waiting for them under the tree, left there the previous night by some fat guy in a red suit as recompense for an entire year of good behavior.

But what about those naughty girls and boys? What of the sluts and the whores, the hussies and hookers, the gigolos and Doms? Don't they receive any reward? Are they really left with nothing but a lump of coal to ruminate over as they consider the error of their promiscuous ways?

The truth is, they get their rewards a few months earlier. Long before the Xmas rush, there comes what is REALLY the most magical time of the year: Cocktober. Thirty one days filled with big, fat, throbbing fun.

All those slutty, smutty, dirty girls get dildos and garters and whips and chains. For the baddest of boys there are cock rings and masturbators and anal beads. But most of all, Cocktober is about getting cock. For an entire month - big cocks, small cocks, fat cocks, cut cocks. Seven inches, nine inches, and for those who have been especially naughty, ten inches of rock hard, good to go cock.

Forget about that red-suited fat dude. Cocktober is ruled by Priapos and his divine staff of lust. And don't EVEN think about leaving milkand cookies for him. Condoms and lube are far better offerings for He-of-the-Permanent-Hard-On. No sneaking down chimneys for him; he is a back door guy through and through.

Priapos, (or as he is known in France, Monsieur Cockteau) loves naughty girls and boys. He is driven by lust, never love - and it is his mission to convert everyone he meets to the pursuit of Hedonsim, Debauchery, and above all, to lead them to worship at the altar of the Almighty Orgasm. He is willing to go to any extreme necessary to achieve this goal - oral, vaginal, anal and, in rare cases, nasal or ear penetration if need be. He sprinkles pheromones and hormones on every naughty girl and boy - filling their heads with thoughts of tumescent cocks and their loins with burning desire.

Many prepare for this special time with frantic self pleasuring; rubbing and grinding themselves deep into the night. Night after night the month of Cocktober is filled with the moans and groans of the naughty ones. "Deeper, harder, yes, yes, YES" can be heard echoing through the land as cocks are thrust in and out, over and over again.

The final night of this month coincides with Halloween, another harmless holiday focused on costumes and candy, but those who partake in Cocktober have their own celebration on that day: Slutoween. They blend in with the other revelers, but if you look closely, you can pick them out. Treating tricks in their teeny tiny costumes. They are already planning how to be as naughty as possible in order to ensure a return visit from the mighty Priapos next Cocktober.

To do so, they must live by his motto, "Ask not for whom the bell tolls, but rather for whom the cock grows."


About the author

Prior to February 2012, Ms. Stonybrook was serving what she thought was a life sentence of monotonous, monogamous matrimony, only to have her sentence unexpectedly commuted (Read: the schmuck left her for another woman). She is reveling in her new found freedom, and is now a full time student. However, it turns out she will go to great lengths to avoid studying, including writing pieces of this caliber......and lower.

Soccer Mom Probation

by Rachel

“The rules of soccer are very simple, basically it is this: if it moves, kick it. If it doesn't move, kick it until it does.” -  Phil Woosnam

 

Sitting outside in the blazing 300 degree Texas sun, make-up melting and sliding down my face like war paint, I’m hoping that my deodorant lasts at least an hour. Across the field I see moms having wet t-shirt contests in order to stay cool. Bitches. This is my Saturday morning ritual at 5 year old soccer.

I thought soccer would be a great way for my kids to get some exercise and learn teamwork. Turns out that I’ve joined some kind of insidious cult. Parents are on the sidelines screaming and running around like maniacs without medication. Note to screaming parents: your kids can’t hear you!

This past Saturday was our 3^rd soccer game of the fall season. It started out like most games: one kid crying because he didn’t want to play, one kid trying to catch butterflies, one kid dancing around holding himself because he had to pee, everyone clustered on top of the ball. But this game was to be different. The other team kept pushing and tripping our boys. Finally one of our parents yelled at the ref and jabbed her finger into his chest. Well, that didn’t go well … our team is now on probation …

They need to pass out Valium at these things…..

For your next girlfriends’ get together, when you absolutely need Valium (or chocolate!), make these delicious chocolate bars. Serve with vodka.

Healthy Chocolate Bars

½ cup peanut butter

¼ cup butter

1/3 cup honey

1.5 cup real oats (not instant)

2 tablespoons flax seed

1 teaspoon vanilla

½ cup semi-sweet chocolate chips

Melt the honey, peanut butter and butter in a pot over medium heat, stirring constantly. Remove from burner once melted. Pour in the oats, vanilla, flax seed, and chocolate chips. Stir until ingredients are combined. Pour into a well-greased 8X8 pan and put it in the fridge until the mixture cools. Cut and eat!

Doubling Your Money

By Tonia

“The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard

I love to spend money. I’m not just self-indulgent about it; I also enjoy being generous with others. I’ve sort of lived under Oscar Wilde’s philosophy of  “Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.” However, it recently dawned on me that I need to be saving more. I need to be saving for some upcoming expenses and for my approaching (I hope) retirement.

You see, I’ve not done well in the stock market. In fact, if I buy a particular stock, you should pay close attention because it will IMMEDIATELY go down and then YOU will be able to buy low. I’m actually thinking about buying a cemetery so people will quit dying.

But the good news about my retirement is that even though I’ve not saved enough money, I DO have 300,000 little packs of sugar, hot sauce and crackers stored away! That'll help. And I have some new money-saving strategies. I’ll share them with you:

   -- Instead of buying new shoes, simply spray paint the old ones a different color. People will THINK they’re new! But, when walking, be sure not to bend your feet or toes because the paint will crack.

   -- Eliminate all light bulbs. Not only will you save on having to purchase them, you’ll save on electricity. Simply use night vision glasses, which can be bought cheaply at any military hardware store.

   -- Empty your car of non-essential weight. The heavier your car is, the more gas you burn, so leave non-essential items at home, including relatives. In fact, try not to have kids. That’s a lot of weight in the car, not to mention what it costs to feed those little fuckers!

   -- Always wondered what you could do with that old dryer lint? Stuff it in the cracks of your windows and doors to reduce heating and cooling bills. If you have pets you can use their shedded hair for this as well.

   -- Reuse all wrapping paper and aluminum foil so that you never have to purchase them again! My own mother was my inspiration for this. I think she only used three rolls of foil her entire life.

   -- Separate that 2-ply toilet paper. You’ll get double your money that way. And, hey, if your hand gets a little wet while wiping, you’re going to wash them anyway.

So, for your next girlfriends’ get-together, throw a S-T-R-E-T-C-H Your Dollar Party. Ask guests to bring their favorite low-cost dish (so YOU can eat free that night) and 10 of their best money-saving ideas to share with the group. Do a coupon swap and organize a babysitting co-op. But don’t scrimp on the alcohol. Must have fabulous spirits!

Give us some of your money-saving ideas in the comments below!

Letting Go

By Anna

“Drag your thoughts away from your troubles.....by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it.” - Mark Twain  

You know all those “Stay calm and _____” cards? Yea. Well, I can’t stay calm - I have a couple anxiety disorders. I'm barely into my thirties and already I'm an expert on all things that can go catastrophically wrong with the universe. I worry about my gray hairs; I worry about my wrinkles. I worry about my job, my money, my car, my health. Hell, I’ve even started worrying about my worry!

This self-abusive, awful-izing mindfuck must stop. That’s why I need to turn myself around (but NOT by doing the Hokey-Pokey). So, with the Serenity Prayer, I'm learning to let GO of shit I can't control! I wanna' get me some of that serenity, God dammit!

Here are some things I’ve accepted that I can’t control:

   - I can’t control the screaming children and crying babies in my bridal shop. 

   - I can’t control the fact that the gap between my car seat and my car door is a    
     magnet for bits of wrappers and tiny trash.
   - I can’t control my ass enhancer sliding up my back.

   - I can’t control the nipple hair that grows around my areola.

   - I can’t control that I sometimes pee when I sneeze.

   - I can’t control that fucking play, buffer, play, buffer, play, buffer thing that

     happens when I watch videos on the internet.

   - I can’t control the fact that Hobby Lobby starts selling Christmas shit in July.

   - I can’t control my urge to pee as soon as I get comfortable in bed.

   - I can’t control my friend’s accidental pocket dialing me while she is having

     sex.

 

So instead of spending hours hunting and pulling gray hairs, I’m going to schedule a damn hair appointment every month; and instead of sighing loudly and rolling my eyes at the kids-gone-wild in my store, I’m going to smile and thank God they aren't mine. 

And here’s a Frazzle Me Not cocktail recipe for your next girlfriends’ get together:

Frazzle Me Not 

Pour the following ingredients into 12 oz cup of ice

3 oz vodka 

1 oz orange juice 

1 oz pineapple juice 

2 oz cranberry juice 

Stir with straw 

Top with Fresca and garnish with fruit

Sip and, for God's sake, LET GO!