The Toilet Paper Capers

By Tonia

Until recently Anna and my sister were both living with me. Three women and one bathroom. While this arrangement had many hilarious moments, today’s blog is about toilet paper.

I had no idea how much toilet paper three women could use. We were rippin’ through a roll a day. As a person interested in research I wanted to know if this was average usage or if we were abusing our toilet paper rights. I wanted to get to the “bottom” of it. Turns out, it takes 71 separate visits to completely use a roll of toilet paper. We were either frequent flyers to the bathroom or we were wadding up massive amounts of TP looking like the Michelin Tire guy to avoid the possibility of a little pee-pee on the hand-hand.

I became frantic about not running out of toilet paper so I began stock-piling it. I couldn't bare the idea of having to drip-dry. When I removed the towels from the bathroom cabinet to make room for more rolls, my sister and Anna did an intervention on me. I’m now in a 12-step program, Over-TP-Buyers Anonymous. I was powerless......

But not all toilet paper is created equal. You’ve got your double rolls, triple rolls, and even Mega rolls. There’s one-ply, two-ply and three-ply. So hard to decide! And then there’s “special” toilet paper. There’s holiday toilet paper, $100 bill toilet paper, Sudoku toilet paper, “Shit Happens” toilet paper, camouflage toilet paper, the “No job is finished until the paperwork is done” toilet paper and, for those wanting to learn a new skill, origami toilet paper.

I recently read about author Koji Suzuki who had his nine-chapter novella “Drop” printed on toilet paper. But I’m confused. What if my sister has to pee and I miss that section of the story? Grrrrr……..

Further research led me to another important finding. When it comes to toilet paper, men tend to be folders and women tend to be wadders. Not sure what that shit is about. Any hypotheses?

Then, of course, no blog about toilet paper would be complete without addressing the Great Over vs Under debate. The advantage of OVER is less chance of scraping the wall with your knuckles thereby avoiding germs; the advantage of UNDER is less chance of unraveling by pets and small children. Personally, I’m just glad to have toilet paper at all. And, don't tell my sister or Anna, but I have some hidden under my bed!

For your next girlfriends’ get-together consider creating a toilet paper fashion show/competition. Or simply sneak out like teenagers and go tee-peeing. I may have done the latter once or twice….recently.