60 is NOT the New 30

by Tonia

“I'm sixty years of age. That's 16 Celsius.” - George Carlin

I’m going to be 59.5 in a few days. The IRS says that at 59.5 I can withdraw money from my IRAs without the 10% penalty. Big whoopty-do. All I can think about is that I’m going to be …. wait for it …. <gulp> 60 next summer. Since I’ve been 55 for several years it’s going to be a big jump from 55 to 60. Fortunately I’m in good company: Kim Basinger, Mary Steenburger, Cyndi Lauper, Oprah Winfrey, Christie Brinkley all have recently turned or are going to turn 60 this next year. They don’t look too bad. Of course, they have bigger budgets than I do for "getting some work done" but a little Botox is doable for me.

I’ve decided that by 60 years of age most of us have accumulated evidence of our longevity, as evidenced by:

(1) Either a bathing suit or a pair of shorts that should no longer be seen in public (Rachel and Anna remind me that I have BOTH)

(2) Enough styles of Spanx to cover any body part in crisis mode

(3) A cabinet full of unsuccessful creams, scrubs, lotions and ointments for wrinkles, dark puffy circles, and cellulite

(4) Another cabinet full of supplements for thinning hair, hormone replacement, and memory loss

(5) Broken capillaries from rigorous, over-the-top, bring-back-my-youth-NOW exfoliation

(6) Abundant gray hairs from all the toddler tantrums, adolescent arguments, and grown children’s bad decisions

(7) Voluminous tubs of Christmas decorations (which, by the way, procreate during summer months) 

(8) A Bucket List (although I’m starting to create am Anti-Bucket List - things I DON’T have to do before I die – i.e. video taping myself having sex and swimming the English Channel)

(9) Some kind of information / directions for after death (i.e. who the children’s REAL father is, who NOT to invite to the funeral, etc)

What kind of party is the Queen of Parties going to have for her 60^th birthday? Stay tuned. TBA. In the meanwhile, for your next girlfriends’ get together, serve martinis and create an ANTI-Bucket List – what I DON’T have to do before I die!