Pissed About Peeing

By Tonia

“I cough, therefore I pee….” – Pink Tomato

I recently had the flu while visiting Rachel and the grandmunchkins in Texas. I know. I know. Didn’t get the flu shot. My bad. So shoot me.

But it wasn’t just being sick that was miserable. Or being sick away from home. It was the damn coughing and peeing! Even after my last TP swipe, if I coughed, there was another squirt (and I don’t mean the sexy kind). After changing pants several times in a single hour, I stuffed toilet paper in my underwear to catch any other surprise urine deluges. Not sure what folks thought of the bulge in my crotch but, hey, it beat soggy britches!

If I felt a really long cough attack coming I’d race to sit on the toilet so I could hack away with complete abandon. Awwwwww …. no need to grab my crotch; no need turn my lower body into a pretzel. Just pee and cough to make my bladder gladder. Most of these emergency runs, however, didn’t include closing the bathroom door. No time! So let me take this opportunity to apologize to my son-in-law for all the times he walked down the hall and caught a glimpse of my bare ass. Yes, Gary, I’ll pay for your therapy. Hope the nightmares go away soon.

And, no, this post is not about golden showers (minds out of the gutter – er, toilet, please!). It’s about a fairly common problem in women (yet another thing men don’t have to deal with!) known as stress incontinence. Whoopi Goldberg calls it “the sprits” and has a funny video about it (click HERE ). Here is my commentary on non-invasive solutions for stress incontinence:

Kegel exercises: You know the ones – those pelvic floor exercises – the ones where you're supposed to stop urination midstream. Right. If I could DO that I wouldn’t be in this mess, would I?

Timed voiding: Record the times you urinate and/or leak. This lets you know your "patterns" so you can go to the bathroom at those times. Seriously? I’m going to plan my whole friggin’ life around my pee pee???

A pessary: This is a ring that a physician inserts into your vagina to put pressure on the urethra. Frankly, I can think of LOTS of other more interesting things that I would rather have inserted into my vagina!  

Injections: Bulking agents such as collagen can be injected into the lining of the urethra to increase its size and resist the flow of urine. Collagen? Did someone say collagen? Could the doctor do my face while he’s doing my crotch? I LOVE this remedy!

So, our suggestion for your next girlfriends’ get together is a Pissing Match! Divide your guests up into teams and, within a designated period of time, see which teams can come up with the greatest number of peeing expressions (i.e powdering my nose, going number one, etc). Great for baby showers and/or menopause celebrations!