Adventures with a Cact-ASS

By Tonia

“I have learned the difference between a cactus and a caucus. On a cactus, the pricks are on the outside.” – Mo Udall

Spending summers in Santa Fe has always been one of the highlights of my year. I write; I admire the sunsets; I attend outdoor concerts; I look at art; I hang out with my NM friends and I hike. I usually rent a small guesthouse just outside of town. Its perfect for my needs and I love my landlord. 

Because I’m outside of town I can often hike/walk from my front door. Which is what I did the other day with my dog. As we were walking, my dog became extremely interested in something between 2 rocks. I saw that it was a cute baby bunny so I shooed the dog away and squatted down to take a picture of it with my phone……….Butt instantly realized: I. Had. Sat. On. A. Cactus.

And, for the record, roses may say “I love you,” but cacti say, “Go fuck yourself.” Damn pricks! If I had needed acupuncture on my ass I would have gone to an office!

I quickly took inventory and realized that, yes, there were tiny cactus needles stuck in my ass but there were even MORE tiny cactus needles still stuck in my pants – with evil plans to make their way into my tender buttocks. Not wanting that to happen, I quickly unzipped my pants to make room for my hands so that I could reach back and push my pants away from my ass. Now, I’ve had other people’s hands in my pants before but I can’t honestly say that I’ve had my own hands in my pants (I usually just take them off for that activity.)

Since it was a mile or so back to the guesthouse, I decided to take the road as it would be an easier walk. And, while there is rarely any traffic on that dirt road, this day it was like goddamn rush hour traffic. As cars drove by the adults turned away but the kids had their noses pressed up against the windows. Geez, kids. Never seen a grown-up with her hands up her ass??

I finally got home and ripped those pants off as fast as I could and began my mirror and tweezers chore. Got ‘em all out but don’t ask me to turn the other cheek……

So, for your next girlfriends’ get together, why not have a Western themed party. Dress up in Western attire and put your friends’ faces on WANTED posters. For an activity, have a relay race. Take 2 broom/mop sticks and stick horse heads on the ends. (Make it easy by cutting horse head shapes out of poster board. Add yarn for the mane if you want to get fancy.) Set up 2 obstacle courses with blow-up cacti. Divide your girlfriends into two teams. One person from each team races on her “horse” through the obstacle course and back. They then pass the “horse” to the 

next teammate in line. The team whose members finish the race first is the winner. 

Other possible games are Throw the Ex into the Cactus, Pin the Prick to the Cactus, and 50 Things to Do with a Cactus. You're welcome.