Grading Hell

by Tonia

I’m a teacher – a college professor, to be exact. And this last semester I took on a record number of courses because of a colleague’s illness (when did I start being so damn nice??? Grrrrr…..). All was fine until the end of the semester when I entered ….. <insert menacing music> ….. the Five Circles of Grading Hell.

In the First Circle of Grading Hell, I was greeted by an old enemy, Procrastination. With over 150 papers and exams shadowing me like a stalker, all I could do was log on to Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Words with Friends and watch Netflix. I even answered 2 year old emails in my inbox. My house was never cleaner, my tax receipts never so organized and my eyebrows never so meticulously plucked.   

In the Second Circle of Grading Hell, I was met by the twins, Drudgery and Tedium. I corrected the same mistakes over and over and over….and over again, until I wanted to tear my eyes out and hang them like giant dice from my car’s rearview mirror. Here, at the edge of the abyss, I could feel my brain atrophying. If only I could be a bit snarky on a paper or two – THAT would entertain me – but nooooo, I think there’s a policy against irritable snarcasm.

In the Third Circle of Grading Hell, I was overpowered by Drowsiness (can one “catch” narcolepsy?). Words spiraled around in my head, disassociated from their sentences, hanging somewhere between caffeine-addled consciousness and sedation – THIS is academia’s replacement for Ambien. Got insomnia? Grade! They say that 3 am is the hour of writers, painters, poets and other creative people. Uh.....did you notice that teachers/graders didn’t make the list?

In the Fourth Circle of Grading Hell, I was engulfed by Disheveledness. Bloodshot eyes, greasy, matted hair stuck to my scalp, and a 3-day old, coffee-stained shirt - I made zombies look like Ms. Universe contestants. Colleagues who saw me would simply say, “Grading, huh?” There’s just not enough make-up to cover up this kind of ugly.

In the Fifth (and FINAL) Circle of Hell I was strangled by Self-doubt. As I read final exam essays I swung wildly between, “OMG, these exams are awful. I’m a terrible teacher. The students got nothing from me. I suck” and “OMG, these final exam essays are fabulous. I’ve made this far too easy. I’m a terrible teacher. I guess I REALLY suck."

And just when I thought I had made it through Grading Hell, there was yet a new degree of agony waiting for me …… a faculty meeting.

For your next girlfriends’ party be sure to make this fabulous Lemon Meringue Pie Martini. I give it an A.

LEMON MERINGUE PIE MARTINI

1 ounce vodka

2 ounces Triple Sec

3 ounces half-n-half

1 ounce powdered yellow lemonade 
Extra yellow lemonade powder to rim the glass

Whipped cream and lemon slice to garnish

Rim the glass with powdered yellow lemonade. Shake up the first 3 ingredients in a shaker. Pour into glass and top with whipped cream and a lemon slice.