Isolation Madness

by Tonia

Like everyone else right now, I’m living the Corona Life. But I live alone so it’s just me, myself and I. For short spurts, me, myself and I get along pretty well but, as an extrovert, this ongoing social distancing thing isn’t working too well for me.

Being ALONE so much, I’ve become poignantly aware that:

·      My tongue doesn’t know exactly where to rest inside my mouth

·      I blink every 6 seconds  

·      My fingernail beds are lop-sided

·      Crossing my left leg over my right leg isn’t as comfortable as crossing my right leg over my left

·      One nostril is different from the other

I’m also noticing some technical difficulties with my brain. Not having ANYONE to talk to, I’ve begun obsessing about every little twitch, itch, bump, spot, ache, pang, cramp, irritation, and tingle (and, hey, I’m 65 so I get a LOT of these). Yep. Pretty convinced I’ve developed several frightening and repulsive diseases in the last two weeks.

I felt a tickle in my throat the other day so I spent hours swallowing every three seconds to see if it really did hurt because, you know, that’s how the dreaded virus starts! Then I worried that all that saliva in my stomach was going to cause stomach cancer.

Later I felt a heaviness in my chest. OMG! Heart attacks run in my family! I immediately ran around the house leaving post-it notes on all my crap and shit for after my death.

All of this would be great fun in a doctor-patient role-play fantasy where I get to be the patient, but I’M IN ISOLATION!!! So I don’t have anyone to play doctor! Maybe I could pretend that my grocery delivery guy is making a <ahem> medical house call…..

But I digress. Back to my social distancing-induced hypochondria. Even my poor dog isn’t immune from my disease delusions. We were cuddling in bed (don’t judge) and his stomach starting growling. My mind immediately jumped to how he caught stomach cancer from me after my overzealous saliva episode. I then had a weepy talk with him about how much he has meant to me.

This is just not going well. My brain:

Hypochondriac Me: This is bad.

Reasonable Me: You’re fine.

Hypochondriac Me: But I have all these symptoms.

Reasonable Me: You’re fine. It’s all in your head.

Hypochondriac Me: I’d better google this.

Reasonable Me: DO NOT google! Get off Web MD. GET OFF! For the love of all that is good and decent, back away from the computer! Don’t do it!

Hypochondriac Me: I’m gonna’ die….

A very old recommendation for the treatment of hypochondria (from the 1600s – yes, I’ve been doing my research) is: Do not be solitary or idle. So basically, I’m fucked.

For your girlfriends get-together while we’re all in quarantine, get on ZOOM so you can chat and go HERE to play Cards Against Humanity online. 

And stay well!