Driving Others Crazy

by Tonia

"Until you've learned to drive, you've never really learned to swear." - Robert Paul

For the record, just because I’m sober doesn’t mean I’m a good driver. My friends remind me that they exhibit great courage when they ride with me. Recently, as I was driving with a friend down a mountain, I scraped the passenger’s door on the barrier that keeps cars from falling off the side of the road. He started to pale. Then, when we got into town I ran a STOP sign. That imaginary brake on the passenger's side went right through the floor. Geez. Some people just want to play it so safe.

A few months ago the boyfriend was following me in his car since he was unfamiliar with the area. I forgot which side of the road my exit was on and crossed three lanes of traffic in a single lane change. I thought this was a terrific feat …. except …. I. Lost. The. Boyfriend. Oops! Should have tried that with the ex!

Sometimes people do honk at me – but since my bumper sticker says, “Honk if you’re horny,” I’m never really sure if I’m getting hit on or if someone almost got hit. Maybe I need a new bumper sticker. Do any of these work?

-- “Friends don’t let friends ride with me”

-- “Don’t blame me; the dog is learning to drive”

-- ”If you think my driving is bad, you should see me dance”

-- “My bumper has been around ….. around a rock ….. around a tree ….. around a fence post”

-- “Sure, the cassis has a few dents and dings, but so does the car”

I really should give some consideration to safer driving. It’s starting to cost me. This summer I ripped the bottom off of my little Prius – TWICE! And had to pay for it. Guess a Prius isn’t a jeep.

For your next girlfriends’ get-together, try this cocktail. It’s one of Anna’s creations and we’re calling it the Ambulance Chaser.

Ambulance Chaser

2 oz vodka

4 oz t-Up

½ tsp. ginger

OPTIONAL: ¼ tsp chopped jalapeno

Shake and serve over ice

Is Your Betty Ready?

by Tonia

“My favorite snack is vagina. The only thing I hate is unwrapping all that saran wrap.” - Jarod Kintz

I recently ran across an ad for hair color –hair color for down there. Yep. Even I was surprised – I mean, who has hair on their Eager-Beavers any more? Not me! Too much hair just makes my camel toe look fat.

I guess the idea originated when someone saw hair dressers sending customers home with small bits of dye used to color their hair to use at home on the ol’ pubes - a batch to match the snatch. Carpet to match the drapes. Shoes to match the purse. Whatever.

The product is on the Betty Beauty website. It says, “get your betty ready.” Who calls their cooch “betty”? And get it ready for what? A perm? A blow dry? A pony tail?

But I was impressed with the all the available colors. Besides the typical hair colors, they also have FUN (hot pink), SEXY (lilac), LOVE (ruby red) and BRIDAL (aqua blue). Maybe I should let the lady garden grow wild so that I can use my bush as a mood ring. You know, change the color so the boyfriend only has to raise my skirt to see what mood I’m in:

BROWN – Feeling like shit. Touch me and die.

BLUE – Feeling kinda’ down, but convince me……
BLOND – Feeling like some fun.

LILAC – I’m open to anything. And I DO mean anything.

RUBY RED – Fuck me NOW!

Hmmmmmm. What are your thoughts? Go ahead and tell us in the comments below.

And, for your next girlfriends’ vagina celebration, add these two games to your party activities after looking at the ideas on our previous blogs HERE and HERE. 

--- Create cards with all the pictures of the different hair cut styles. Pass them out to everyone and ask them to write a girlfriend’s name on the style that best matches her. Post them or go around the room and explain your choices. Or do the same with the Betty Beauty colors.

--- Create a poster or comment box for everyone to complete the following sentence, “If my vagina could talk, it would say ________________.”

It's Raining Dildos

by Tonia

Did you hear the one about dildos hanging flaccidly from power lines?

They were getting a charge.

Ahahahaha!

Made that one up myself.

But it’s really been happening! In Portland, Oregon, there have been dozens of paired (how romantic!) dildos thrown over power lines. And I’m not dicking around with you either. It’s true. Geez. I’m never in the right place at the right time. While I’ve seen lots of penises in my time, I’ve never seen any hanging from wires. There were a few dicks I wanted to hang by a wire but I never got the chance.

I’ve been thinking long and hard about the situation in Portland. I’ve actually had some penetrating thoughts about it. You know - theories - about it.

Could it be that…..

…..this is a new rite of passage symbol for losing your virginity?

…..a kinky meteorologist is trying out some new kind of weathervanes?

…..a giant, benevolent dildo deity rained tiny offspring for the joy of man/womankind?

.....this is a grown-up version of Toy Story with adult toys coming alive at night?

…..someone with a fabulous collection of dildos has given them up for…..for…..what on earth would you give them up for???

While it’s still unclear what the meaning of the flying phalluses is, I, for one, think their appearance calls for a celebration! Invite your girlfriends over for a “Make Love; Not War” party. Serve phallic shaped foods such as asparagus, carrots, hot dogs, bananas, etc and/or vagina shaped foods such as oysters, tacos, dried pears, won tons, strawberries cut in half, etc OR just serve foods that are known to be aphrodisiacs such as chocolate, oysters, pomegranates, red wine, etc. Have vibrator races and find your Joie de Vivre!   

Adventures with a Cact-ASS

By Tonia

“I have learned the difference between a cactus and a caucus. On a cactus, the pricks are on the outside.” – Mo Udall

Spending summers in Santa Fe has always been one of the highlights of my year. I write; I admire the sunsets; I attend outdoor concerts; I look at art; I hang out with my NM friends and I hike. I usually rent a small guesthouse just outside of town. Its perfect for my needs and I love my landlord. 

Because I’m outside of town I can often hike/walk from my front door. Which is what I did the other day with my dog. As we were walking, my dog became extremely interested in something between 2 rocks. I saw that it was a cute baby bunny so I shooed the dog away and squatted down to take a picture of it with my phone……….Butt instantly realized: I. Had. Sat. On. A. Cactus.

And, for the record, roses may say “I love you,” but cacti say, “Go fuck yourself.” Damn pricks! If I had needed acupuncture on my ass I would have gone to an office!

I quickly took inventory and realized that, yes, there were tiny cactus needles stuck in my ass but there were even MORE tiny cactus needles still stuck in my pants – with evil plans to make their way into my tender buttocks. Not wanting that to happen, I quickly unzipped my pants to make room for my hands so that I could reach back and push my pants away from my ass. Now, I’ve had other people’s hands in my pants before but I can’t honestly say that I’ve had my own hands in my pants (I usually just take them off for that activity.)

Since it was a mile or so back to the guesthouse, I decided to take the road as it would be an easier walk. And, while there is rarely any traffic on that dirt road, this day it was like goddamn rush hour traffic. As cars drove by the adults turned away but the kids had their noses pressed up against the windows. Geez, kids. Never seen a grown-up with her hands up her ass??

I finally got home and ripped those pants off as fast as I could and began my mirror and tweezers chore. Got ‘em all out but don’t ask me to turn the other cheek……

So, for your next girlfriends’ get together, why not have a Western themed party. Dress up in Western attire and put your friends’ faces on WANTED posters. For an activity, have a relay race. Take 2 broom/mop sticks and stick horse heads on the ends. (Make it easy by cutting horse head shapes out of poster board. Add yarn for the mane if you want to get fancy.) Set up 2 obstacle courses with blow-up cacti. Divide your girlfriends into two teams. One person from each team races on her “horse” through the obstacle course and back. They then pass the “horse” to the 

next teammate in line. The team whose members finish the race first is the winner. 

Other possible games are Throw the Ex into the Cactus, Pin the Prick to the Cactus, and 50 Things to Do with a Cactus. You're welcome.

Is There a Mood Whisperer in the House?

By Tonia

"When I was a boy, my mother wore a mood ring. When she was in a good mood it turned blue. In a bad mood, it left a big red mark on my forehead." - Jeff Shaw

Confession. Recently I was a bit grumpy……OK, more than grumpy….. bitchy. I’m not usually a mood swinger but I definitely had a foul-assed mood when several home disasters hit me one right after another. I was so irritable I didn’t want to be around anyone, including myself. I just didn’t have enough middle fingers to truly express myself. I fantasized about putting barbed wire around my office and a voice message on my phone saying, “I’m having a really bad life right now. Call back in 2 years.”  And you know that whole “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade” idea? I just wanted to squirt that damn lemon juice into someone’s open sore.

Most women know something about irritability – when the Mood Contaminating Fairy spreads her bitchy dust. It’s usually because a significant other isn’t listening to us, or when no one is grateful for our hard work or when we’ve got too much to do.……and, well…….and when we have a bad hair day and feel fat and have a new zit….. 

So what does one do to feel better when a mood makes Grumpy Cat look like Little Miss Sunshine?

Experts recommend exercise. I guess it’s hard to feel blue when your face is all red. Or maybe all that heavy breathing makes us smile when we remember other adventures in heavy breathing!

Doing something novel is also supposed to be a good pick-me-up. I don’t think driving blindfolded would be a good novel activity for me (too much like the way I drive already). Maybe decorate my vibrator in various “outfits” to leave messages for the boyfriend…..

Professionals also suggest humor to combat irritability. When bad things happen we’re supposed to ask ourselves, “How can I see this as funny?” OK. I’ll give it a try. When the tornado blows my roof off I can say, “Guess that whirlwind romance did some damage!” and when my sewer collapses I can say, “Well, shit!” Uh. Guess I’ll work on that some more. Maybe I’ll just imagine a T-Rex trying to masturbate instead.

And, finally, counting one’s blessings is supposed to be helpful in lifting our spirits. I’m seriously thankful for my girlfriends and how they have inspired and supported me through ALL of my moods!

OH! And I’m also thankful that I’m not pregnant…..

For your next girlfriends’ get together take a hike together (remember: exercise) and talk about all the irritating people in your lives who you’d like to “take a hike!”