Blow Me Away

By Tonia

“I’m as happy as a tornado in a trailer park.” – Anonymous

So a tornado went over my house last week.

No trips to Oz but I’m hanging on to my ruby red slippers.

A girlfriend was with me at my house when it happened. But I do not have a storm cellar. Mostly because it’s a good place for RATS and SNAKES to seek shelter during tornado season – and I’d rather face a tornado than get cozy with one of them.

We also couldn’t use my bathtub for a safe place because I have an outer glass bathroom window. But I like this idea because, after you've been covered with tornado debris, you can immediately wash off and look great for any rescue workers stopping by. Who knows….a WHIRLWIND romance could be in store!

No, after watching all the big red weather blobs on the weather station’s radar screen, my girlfriend and I hopped in the car to drive to a safe place. The only excitement, however, was on the road when I ran into the car in front of me while trying to take pictures of the tornado out the window. OOPS!

And, while one touched down just a few miles from my house, Moore, Oklahoma is really their favorite gathering place. Evidently, they like to meet there and have a few drinks before madly heading out to other places in the Midwest to throw cows and mobile homes around. Crazy things.

Some call tornados acts of god. Well, god must really be trying to air out or stir up Oklahoma politics (god knows we need it). And all I can say is – LOOK OUT Indiana! Be on a tornado watch!

Meanwhile, I’m thinking of having a girlfriends’ get together to put the shingles back on my roof. Afterwards I’ll serve a TORNADO cocktail – and put a plastic cow in it for shits and giggles. But I’ll make everyone come down before I serve it.

THE TORNADO

1 oz. whiskey

1 oz. rum

1 oz tequila

1 oz vodka

½ tbsp. sugar

2 oz cola

ice cubes

Mix the liquors and sugar in a glass. Drop in some ice cubes and then pour in the coke. Stir twice. Serve.

Weighing In

by Tonia

“Age is only a number. Weight is only a number. I’ve decided that numbers are really starting to piss me off.” - Maxine

I recently gained 10 lbs. WTF? How did that happen? Oh yea, eating, aging and not exercising. I’m trying to decide what to do with the extra flesh – (1) fold it over and tuck it in my pants, (2) hold my breath and try to keep it sucked in or (3) let it spill over like a muffin top. Can one have a birthday suit taken in?

I’d like to say that I’m just retaining water …… but I think I’m actually retaining food. What happened to the good ol’ days when I could eat anything and not gain an ounce? What cruel trick has the universe played on me? I guess I’m going to have to get one of those cones from the vet’s office and wear it around my neck so I can’t put food in my mouth. But I’m pretty convinced right now that I would gain weight simply by eating air. I do burn calories when I cook – but, wait, that just destroys the food and doesn’t take any weight off.

People say things get better with age. Maybe wine. Maybe cheese. But certainly not my waistline. Unless all that wisdom I’m supposed to have gained over the years is actually making me GAIN! Damn wisdom.

Well, maybe thin is overrated. Who needs to touch their toes anyway? Besides, at the rate I’m losing my memory, I won’t remember what I used to weigh anyway – or what I used to look like, for that matter.

But I have my girlfriends. And I think they will love me no matter how much I weigh. So for your next girlfriends’ get together I say have everyone bring their highest calorie dessert and pig out! Click HERE for a fabulous Hello Dolly recipe. I had a bite once and gained 600 pounds……..

Buh Bye, SkyMall

By Tonia

"If black boxes survive air crashes, why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?" — George Carlin

I recently flew (yes, in an airplane). As I searched the seat back pocket in front of me for an airline magazine and a SkyMall catalogue, I discovered NO SkyMall catalogue. WTF! Am I the last one to know that SKyMall filed bankruptcy a few weeks ago? Geez.

Besides death and taxes, SkyMall has always been something I could be sure of. Who is going to babysit me now in the airplane if I don’t have SkyMall? What am I supposed to do with all my time if I can’t search for that one God-I-Must-Have-It item among all the kitschy, expensive, unnecessary crap? I mean, my son-in-law seemed delighted with his Armadillo Beer Can Holder that shits peanuts. And the boyfriend assures me that he frequently wears his Pillow Tie to work. And, since Oklahoma allows concealed weapons, the GirlyGoGarter was a perfect gift for my grandmother.

I just feel sick about the bankruptcy. Sure, call me a Shopocondriac but my pain is real. Instead of SkyMall shopping, all I could do on my recent flight was exercise my brain with crossword puzzles and Sudoku – and I’m about as thrilled exercising my brain as I am exercising my body – not to mention that it lowered my self-esteem. Instead of feeling the exhilaration of the shopping FIND, I felt like a word-deficient, number-failing blockhead. At least with SkyMall I felt competent looking at pictures and turning pages.

But I guess SkyMall’s time has passed - like wringer washers, ice boxes, and VCRs. (Well, I actually still use a VCR.) There’s supposed to be an auction in late March. I need to find out where it is so I can get a deal on that Bigfoot Garden Yeti. And, for all you SkyMall haters, at least they never sold flatulence filters, monkey thongs and spray can skin touch up paint for morticians found on Ebay! (Although that mortician touch up spray paint could have saved me a ton of money in what I paid for plastic surgery!)

For your next girlfriends’ get together, don’t wait until the holidays to have a White Elephant gift exchange! Have everyone bring a wrapped kitschy White Elephant gift to swap; serve tacky foods like bacon flavored candy, chia pudding, kale cupcakes, crazy stinky cheese, or turducken; brainstorm a list of the most worthless advice you’ve ever been given. And drink. And say your Good-byes to SkyMall. RIP, SkyMall. RIP.

Yoga: Pose and Repose

By Tonia

“Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.” ~Author Unknown



I’ve recently taken up yoga. Up until now my only yoga pose has painting my toenails. It’s not been easy - I’m about as flexible as a mental patient in a straightjacket.

 

But, hey, I’m giving it a try - bending over backwards in fact. But there is a part of me that thinks, “Can’t we just play Twister?”

I’m fascinated with the names of the poses. There’s one called the Corpse Pose. Playing dead – now THIS one I can actually do! This may become my favorite…..

There’s also Half Lord of the Fishes Pose. WTF? First of all, I didn’t realize that fish had lords and, second of all, what did they do with the other half of him?

Then there’s at least three dog poses: (1) Downward Facing Dog Pose, (2) Flip Dog Pose and (3) Three Legged Dog Pose. Why is yoga so fascinated with canines? The only yoga-ish pose my dog does is when he licks his balls. But he SURE doesn’t understand what I’m doing. You should see his face when I’m posing – well, YOU can see it because I CAN’T see it when I’m in that damn Downward Facing Dog Pose.

There’s also one called Cow Face Pose. I know I probably LOOK like a heifer trying to do these poses but geez……be nice!

I think I’ll come up with some of my own poses. Let’s see......

Computer-facing Woman Pose - My go-to pose....all the fucking day

Downward Hang Over Pose – A spine stretcher pose as I’m bent over the side of the bed on Sunday mornings
Time to Get Up Pose – An arm and spine stretcher pose as I consider getting out of bed

Lord of the G-spot Pose – A hip opener pose as I .... well .... you know

Full Moon Pose – A bend over pose as I expose my ass to douchbags

For your next girlfriends’ get-together, put on those yoga pants (that act alone reduces stress!) and entertain each other with goofy poses. Take pictures! Have everyone bring a healthy snack with its recipe and laugh ….. laugh a lot. In fact click HERE to see a video about Laughing Yoga! That may be my best yoga pose......

The Never Ending Asphalt Hell Story

By Tonia

"He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit." -- Unknown

Over the holidays I drove to Ft Worth to spend time with the grandmunchkins. I was excited to see them, but the drive down is more tiresome than a texting fanatic date. It is a mind-numbing, spirit-crushing endurance test of Never-Ending-Asphalt-Hell.

Unlike the boring meetings at work, when I’m driving I can’t answer emails, update my dating profile or google naughty pictures. So, after flipping through every friggin' radio station, picking at all the skin blemishes I could locate, and finger combing my hair until sparks flew off the ends, I thought I should engage my mind in something. You know, something besides my typical pornographic thoughts. I could think of a story line for the next great American novel…….Nah.
I could revise my life goals…….Nah.

I could plan my will…....Nah.

I finally decided on thinking up pranks. Things like:

(1) Rigging my medicine cabinet so that marbles fell out if someone opened it during a party

(2) Scraping the icing out of Oreo cookies and replacing it with toothpaste

(3) Pouring water in my hand, pretending to sneeze and throwing the water on someone

(4) Super-gluing the lids on people’s plastic water bottles

(5) Taping a small piece of duct tape to the bottom of a faucet (it creates quite a spray when turned on)

So what do you think? Give me YOUR best pranks in the comments below!

And, for your next girlfriends’ get-together consider playing The Joys of….. game.

Directions:

Pass out one index card to each person. Ask everyone to title their cards by completing the phrase The Joy of….. using a current uncomfortable situation from their lives. (Examples: The Joys of Living with a Two Year Old; The Joys of Being Fifty and Single; The Joys of Working Retail, etc.) After writing their titles, have everyone number their cards 1-5 in a column on the left side of the index card (as if they were going to take a spelling test).

Then direct everyone to pass their cards to the person on their right. That person must fill in #1 with a humorous statement about the title. (Example: for The Joys of Living with a Two Year Old, someone could write, “I can add Temper Tantrum Tamer to my resume;” for The Joys of Being Fifty and Single, someone could write, “I now have a closer relationship with my vibrator,” etc.)

After everyone has written something on another person’s #1, instruct everyone to pass cards to the right again. The next person then writes a humorous statement on #2. Continue until 5 people have each added one humorous statement to 5 different cards. Then return the card to its owner. Encourage guests to post these at home when they need a distraction!